Trying

It's important that I remember that it's only in recent years that I've started to feel so pinched and poor. And I can attribute that to leaving the country and moving to Swansea, or to my Mum's long illness and death, or to the state of the world, but it doesn't really matter the reason since we are where we are and that's that.

So I'm trying to resolve a bit to actually work on enjoying my life, rather that always looking back and missing things. Life is full of meetings and partings.

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I knew I'd be busy so I took the dog for a run with me in the morning just after 6, which I've been meaning to do anyway since I'd like to be able to get his first walk out of the way before the house wakes up. In part because I am certainly considering finding a job, and this will be the only way to get in his morning walk if I do return to work. It worked out really nicely anyway, and got me out for a run which I've been promising to start again for ages, so very much killing two birds with one stone. Then I went for a quick sea swim, and spent the rest of the day at the allotments doing this and that. Everything is growing as it should, and I'm enjoying the fresh greens. My main focus has been on improving and feeding the soil, ready to plant out my squashes towards the end of the month. I'm looking forward to a few weeks time when everything starts to fill out - it still all looks so sparse at this time of year that it feels like all the work is for nothing.

I have had a bit of encouragement on the job hunt front, but still nothing concrete. Keeping everything crossed, while also having some trepidation about returning to work, again. I must remind myself that the last time I tried to go back to work the girls were only 4 and 6, much younger than they are now. It is still far from ideal, and I don't know how I will manage the school holidays, but I know that people do. It makes me sad how much we are going to lose, but things being the way they are financially these days we must be sensible and practical.

It's all a bit sad as it comes at a time when I am once again thinking hard about home educating, and of course finding work completely removes that as an option. The school system is failing the girls, is failing everyone, but at the same time I can't commit to home educating them if our financial future isn't secure. 

I took out The Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod from the library again. I borrowed it last year actually but don't think I even got as far as opening it, so I am determined to read it and put it into practice this time. I have long felt that getting up early in the morning is a fantastic habit, but for the last few years one I have been completely unable to commit to. We'll see if I can get myself going this time.

Balancing priorities

A bad habit that I've gotten into lately is mooning over the past, as though hankering after something could make it manifest. Particularly as I work my allotments and enjoy being outdoors again, the past that I miss the most is the precious few years we spent living in the countryside while the girls were young. I can still, very easily, think of half a dozen sensible reasons why we left, and why it was the best thing for our family, but still in my heart I miss it so much and feel that given the choice to leave again, I might not. I remember when we eventually did move back into town, trying to reconcile the loss by imagining it as an opportunity to adopt different priorities. We bought the boat, we bought nice stuff for the house, we filled our lives up with all of the things that were out of reach before. I think now, five years on, all of those things have run their course, and all that I'm left with is my craving for the the only 'thing' I have ever really wanted - a garden.

This is about the point in the conversation where I will invariably take a deep breath and straighten myself up and say 'well, mustn't grumble'. And I mustn't - there is no changing the past. Right now there is really very little we can do to even change the present or future. The only thing I really have any control over is my approach to the situation at hand. You can talk about grattitude and mindfulness, but practically, if you have a fixed idea of what a beautiful life looks like, and if you have lived it, how do you then bring the flavour of that into your life today? This isn't a rhetorical question, it is one I am working on answering, certain that there must be an answer.

I am more sure than ever that 'stuff' is not the thing, I think I've said that enough times by now, so having the cute little house or the perfect potager garden should be irrelevant.

I don't know if I'm just falling victim to the times, now that being a stay at home wife and parent is becoming less sustainable. It's hard to stand on my soapboax about this anymore since it seems to just no longer be an option for basically everyone. No longer a matter of just making a few cut backs but remembering you're still rich in soul - people need to eat. Perhaps the lost times that I think wistfully of is that recent past where we were still poor but happy, and not yet poor and worried.

Whatever it is that I'm trying to get at here, I think will just need time to unfold. This summer is likely to be one of change - either something changes in our circumstances that allows us to continue on in our usual way, poor but happy, or I have to find work and assess then what is so important to us that it shall earn a portion of my scant spare time. All of the things that I do - the allotment, the meal planning, the sourdough, the mending, it all seems to fit into a previous life where those actions built something and became greater than the sum of their parts. Living in the city, it's very easy to see how one can slip into having shopping delivered, getting a dishwasher and a childminder, and doing very little for yourself at all, since that seems to be the overwhelming norm. How bizarre to think that one of our greatest gripes of living in the country was that our immediate community didn't share our values, and that we expected that to be different anywhere else.

Update for 2026

Well it's been a while since I last posted, and that seems to be the main thing I write on this blog in recent years. Last summer my Mum died. She had been ill for three years, but she was 59 and we had hope that she might live. Her death has brought out such a profound grief in me that I hardly know myself any more.

Now that that's out of the way, we have some other changes. The allotment that we took on in one of the most recent posts, we have now let go in favour of a couple of other, better plots - one a few miles away, so a cycle ride or short car drive if we have something heavy, and the other a half hour walk away. Both in full sun, lovely plots with enough that needs doing to keep us out of trouble. I am going gently as it is the first year in both but am hoping to have some produce, and also want to put a lot of energy into improving the soil, especially in one of the plots where it is very poor, in the hope of growing much of our veg in future years. It is the first time since living in Swansea that I've really had a gardening project that I can get enthusiastic about, and although I would prefer to have a garden rather than allotments, I do feel some excitement about putting my time and effort into them in the hope that they reward us.

We also got a dog - that has been a big change. Something that has been on the cards for years but which we wouldn't have done while my Mum was so ill and we had so much travelling to do. Despite warnings I have been suprised by what a big change having a dog has been, but on balance it is a good one. I enjoy the walks, training has been pretty successful, and he is a sweet natured creature, who I think once we are past puppyhood will be a very calm and easygoing member of the family.

I have also made efforts to revive my art practice which I had assumed was long dead. My Mum's last illness provided a need for distraction, as well as a desire to make her happy and proud while I still had the chance, although too little too late, in fact I was offered my first exhibition in the last week of her life, well past the point that she could have had any pleasure from it. I have continued to have some success with several group shows and a few sales last year. Things feel rather slow this year - I am trying to resist the urge to self-sabotage and chuck it all in, and trust that if I keep working, keep building, I will get good results. But it feels like early days at the minute, and my enthusiasm comes and goes. Nonetheless it is nice to feel like I have that part of myself back again.

Money continues a struggle, more and more each year it seems, as the goal posts shift time and time again. I am still stay-at-home while W works full-time, though recently I've had to turn serious thought to looking for a job outside the house - easier said than done when you have two children and no family to help out. I have a lead that I'm waiting for to see if anything comes of that in the next couple of months, if not I will have to find something else. We are at a point now where we simply can't afford to get any poorer, and there is nothing left to cut back on. So strange and sad that after over a decade of working hard and living frugally we are probably as poor as we ever have been.

That's about all that's going on right now. I will try to update the blog now, especially once the allotment really gets going.

Off the radar

 It's been a largely successful first couple of weeks without wifi internet in the house, although we have had some initial hiccups and adjusting to do, the details of which are all too boring to go into.

Blogging is pretty interesting. I had planned to go to a coffee shop and use their wifi to save my mobile data, but found I was in no mood for that today. That might be a nice habit to form in future though, and really I should seize and opportunity to get out and about. 

Moving on anyway. We had half term here which was great. Too short as always, but it really felt it this week. The weather was lovely and we had a fantastic time together, going places, and spending time in the house being creative. We have been sewing mad. Ivy bought a sewing book a few months ago now and has been dying to make a ragdoll. I've been dreadful about giving time to projects like this, and am ashamed to say I really haven't helped the girls develop their skills in lots of ways. We saw this one through anyway and had a wonderful time doing it, and the girls learned so many new techniques while we did it. 

We have also been working on the girls' world book day costumes. I love making costumes but often leave it too late, so I had the girls start thinking about this in January and we have completed them in plenty of time. H is a dragon, and I is Hermione Granger. I love making costumes that I know they will enjoy and wear again and again for play.

I have also been knitting. I finished a lace vest pattern that I had been working on (knitted as one piece, did not enjoy). And have begun on yet another cardigan. This one is from a lovely pattern I have which has variations for either a lace or textured yoke, and different sleeve lengths. I was going to do the lace version but decided to try something different. I chose a mad Easter bunny pink, which seemed a good idea at the time. I'm hoping I will wear it in the event!

I said in my last post that I would say more about our allotment - the main news of which is that we have one. We have been on the waiting list for 3.5 years and honestly this is sooner than we expected to be given one. In August last year we were offered a starter plot (two raised beds) at one site, which we gratefully accepted. Being August there wasn't much we could get going, but we did what we could, however before we had a chance to really get stuck in, we were offered a full plot on the same site last month. Of course this is the perfect time of year and we can't believe our luck. In the same week then we were also offered two raised beds at a neighbouring site which we have also accepted. This site has larger plots, so if/when we are eventually offered a full plot there we will almost certainly let the other plot go. In the mean time it has been wonderful getting digging and thinking about what do grow, and starting seeds on my windowsill. I had a bit of a moment when it came time to start my blue hubbard seeds, something I hadn't expected to do again. It feels as though the life we had started in Cwmgors, and which we snuffed out, may be beginning again. I wish I was as fit and well now as I was then so that I could enjoy it, although perhaps the fresh air, exercise and sense of purpose that the allotment will bring will be exactly what I need.

New Year, new me

 Hello. I'm back. I like blogging, it feels completely obsolete and obscure now.

 For whatever reason, Christmas, winter, not much to say, I've had another of my breaks. And it's hard to say exactly what is new with us, not a lot I imagine. 

We are at the end of February now and finally starting to get our momentum up again now that there is the promise of better weather (though the reality is probably a few months off)

I can't sum up everything we've been up to the past few months of course, it would be sill try, and honestly it's probably just more of the same. I've been through my camera though, which admittedly I rarely use, and have picked out a few photos: 

At the beginning of January I started on a regime called the Human Being Diet, which is by a nutritionist called Petronella Ravenshear. I was recommended it by a friend who also has chronic pain as it is supposed to be very good for inflammation. I did follow this diet to the letter for just over 5 weeks, and I lost 20lbs, however while I expected a (promised) spike of energy after the first couple of weeks, I never experienced this, and instead began to feel like a slow and drifty jellyfish. This last week I have re-introduced carbohydrates into my diet (a bit too much probably) and am feeling much more myself, as well as more able to join in family activities of cooking and eating, which are really important to us. 

Here I am eating a plate of salad and prawns, which I really don't enjoy.

I have been making truffles. This was really the thin end of the wedge. Before I broke my diet I started making my (allowed) two squares a day of 85% chocolate into truffles. Well, one thing leads to another and rules began to be broken. I mainly include as cooking from scratch is a great pleasure for me and a value I'm keen to raise the girls with, and something we are better and better at, although it has always been a priority. 

s

I signed up for a drawing course last year, but as it was booked up for the first term couldn't begin until January, by which point I had completely lost the bee in my bonnet which has prompted me to enroll in the first place and couldn't really remember why I was there. I had already resolved to stop going after a few weeks when the arthritis in my hands flared up and gave me the excuse I needed to stop. What I do want to do is spend more of my own time practicing drawing and being creative - which I supposed was probably my interested in the course - but that's yet to really happen. 

I haven't been drawing, but I have been knitting - actually that won't be helping my hands - and have made some lovely garments that I'll get a lot of wear out of. 

I had a sweater vest (crocheted) that I made a couple of years ago, but which was really too long to wear with dresses, and finally took the plunge and chopped off the bottom and stay stitched the bottom. 

I love a sweat vest, and that inspired me to knit another (pale lilac, plain knitting, I don't have a photo), and Will also knitted me a beautiful blue sweater vest so I'm now complete. 

I also knitted myself a vest/waistcoat to wear at the allotment (more on that another day). This was a pig to knit, with several hundred stiches to pick up around the outside edge. 

And two lace cardigans. The purple one was intended to be my first every cable project, but after frogging back the same 5 rows three times I threw the towel in and found a lace pattern instead. I'll look for a cardigan pattern with a simpler, not all over, cable as my beginner project I think. 

I have been for quite a lot of winter swims, at least once a week, although probably less than in previous years. I put this down to my general sleepiness/antisocial-ness at the moment. 

I hope that the next few weeks will see my energy and enthusiasm picking up, and that I should have a little more than knitting to update with. 

We are getting rid of the internet in the house and changing to just a pay as you go mobile data dongle, so internet use will be extremely limited after that. Perhaps I will need to explore using the library computers. 

Until next time.

November rundown

Non-consumables/non-essentials I have bought:

Total: £264.47
Of which Christmas gifts £80.92

Christmas dress for my oldest, second hand £12

Christmas dress for me, second hand £14.10

Replacement part for knitting machine £6.39

Notebooks & pens for girls from post office £5.30

Book for my oldest from a charity shop £1

New travel coffee flask £31.95

Top from charity shop £3 (didn't suit me, have listed on ebay so will almost definitely recoup)  (Sold £6.50)

2x Jumpers from charity shop £11 - could have lived without these, but they weren't an impulse purchase, 'bog standard'  jumpers are something I just don't really have and was missing in my wardrobe, I went around charity shops looking for them

Christmas dress for my youngest, second hand £16.11

Christmas gift for H £11

Tickets to see screening of the Nutcracker at our local cinema £38

Two dresses from charity shop £12.50 (Really didn't need to buy these, was feeling a bit low and wanted a pick me up. One of them, I knew wouldn't fit because it's actually the wrong size but bought it anyway because I'm insane. One is a good fit and will get a lot of wear at least)

A dress and a cardi from vinted £11.50. I'm insane.

New earphones £5.99 - I broke mine

Mattress protectors x2 £14.76

Castor oil £9..95 - recommended by my mum for my joints

Soap/candle making garb £31.92

Extra £30 for girls clothes

Thing we have gotten for free:

Knitting pattern friend photocopied for me

Nearly new mattress for my youngest

A butternut squash!

Bed slats - found in street, genuinely needed these

Full Brownies uniform from Freecycle - my youngest will move up from Rainbows to Brownies next year

Cushion pad from a sofa which I will cut into the right shape to replace one missing on our boat

A dress & little bottle of perfume given to me by a friend

I seem to have dropped off towards the end of the month again. I can say that I did spend about £30 on wax, wicks and soap base to make some Christmas presents for people. I'm pretty sure I didn't buy any more clothes after my bout of madness. The girls needed some clothes and they had some birthday money which I topped up with an extra £15 each. It's been a better month than last (couldn't be worse) but I have still way overspent. I'm a work in progress.

I have also sold about £270 worth of things on ebay, the money from which I have saved for Christmas. I'll be going Christmas shopping for the girls and to buy Christmas food next week.

Nice Things

 One thing I say often is that there will always be more Nice Things to buy. 

More often than not I'm either saying this to my girls, or to my mother, who sometimes has a hard time saying no to the Nice Thing. 

In the past I have been a lot more attached to stuff than I am now. I have always enjoyed Nice Things (I think most people do) and am a very visual and tactile person. I like to own the Nice Thing, and be able to handle it and admire it again and again. But as I get older it becomes clearer how owning the Nice Thing also means that you have to care for it. The more Things you have to care for, the less care (and time) there is to go around, and so the Nice Things become a drain on your resources. And over time as you become more tired of caring for the Nice Things, the nice things get dirty and shabby, and their magic is often lost. 

That's not to say I live in a white minimalist cube now, I don't. I still have a house full of Nice Things. Still too many in fact. But if I give away, or even lose or break a Nice Thing now, I see that it's just one of many, one of millions upon millions of Nice Things in the world and it means nothing really. Equally, seeing a Nice Thing in the wild and either not being able to, or choosing not to buy it, doesn't hurt me anymore.

That's all good. It does however make the quantity of Nice Things that are on the shelves in every shop rather overwhelming, when you view them not as the Nice Thing that will change your life, but just another drop in the ocean of Nice Things that one might buy this week, month, year, and discard the next. I hope this is a point that I can express to my children somehow, basically that's it all just tat. And it's okay to own a little of it, but you mustn't think it means anything. 

Another little thought it one I know I have mentioned in the past, which is that in recent years, really since the arrival of internet shopping in a big way, and nasty tat from sweat shops in China, the nature of Nice Things has changed in a way that I think particularly affects young people. In the past if you wanted to own something really special, you would probably either have to spend a lot of money, trawl antique or curio shops, or get crafty. There is simply so much available now that you can probably imagine absolutely anything in the world, any item that you could dream up, and discover that it exists, and it is available, and in all likelihood affordable for you. Let's do an experiment, what I can I think of that I might want?***

Dress with a snail on it - Exists

Tights with mushrooms - Exists

Earrings with moss inside - Exists

Large print of the birth of Venus - Exists

Autumn coloured floaty dress - Exists

Green brogues - Exists

Forest coloured area rug - Exists - Actually I found one that I really like, and really really want, but will not be buying

** This actually was quite difficult as can't really think of anything I want, so just tried to imagine some nice things. Also was going to post links as proof but really didn't want to feel like I was advertising everything. I simply googled each idea and looked under the shopping tab - there were many, many matching results for all, many of them on temu or shein, all had options under £50, many were under £20. I'm only grateful that none of this was an option when I was younger, I can only imagine how insane it drives girls in their teens and twenties trying to adorn themselves perfectly to reflect their newly forming identities.