Stuff

 I've been spreading myself a bit thin lately, and I'm feeling it, so the plan now it to, as far as possible, slow down and put my energies into my home now with autumn and winter fast approaching.

I have a list of jobs that desperately need doing, and honestly the house is in as much of a pickle as ever. Add to that not enough sleep and huge anxiety...yes, it's time to get back home.

It was my birthday last week. My mum gave me a voucher for Joe browns and I bought myself a new blouse and a dress, which was a big treat. We spent the weekend before my birthday foraging and making winter syrup, then on my birthday will took the day off work and we had chips on the beach and a walk. 

My lovely friends gave me some gifts from their garden, and made me realise how much I miss that abundance-next year I must make the garden into a space that I can grow things in. 

On Monday I did a very silly thing, and swam out to our mooring to retrieve our dinghy, which was left behind after moving our yacht to a marina for winter. Its not the sort of thing I would ever usually do, and after the event now I'm not sure what possessed me. It was difficult and frightening, and I feel an overwhelming sense of achievement now which I think will last several years; long enough that I won't have to be brave again any time soon. 

I have a busy week now socially and then we are away this weekend, and next, but I am determined to get back to the house and family now. 

Finish on a high

 We had a great sail yesterday which was a lovely end to the summer. We entered our first race, and although I'm sure we lost spectacularly, we completed the course and had a great time and some really good experience. After a couple of wobbly outings over the summer it was a really nice way to end the season. We are so lucky to have this chance to get out on the water, there is nothing like it. 

I had a bit of a crazy week in the house having a bit rearrange of the rooms. Maybe I mentioned in my last post about no longer wanting to having a studio in the house; lots of nuanced reasons. Anyway, I spent Wednesday and thursday sorting out the cupboards in the studio, which made realise the whole situation doeant work, and it is nothing but ridiculous and self indulgent to own that volume of stuff, dedicated to making art, something I so rarely do.

After a bit of a clear out (there'll be more to follow), I took the fireplace out of the room and started hefting furniture about. Once I have finished clearing up we will have a really nice back sitting room/piano room.

I had to dismantle my work desk to do this. Will made it for me to fit my studio in the old garden, and I couldn't bear to leave it. I have always loved it, and in a way its been a bit of a symbol of Will's kindness and support. It was quite emotional taking it down. He had helped me to do everything I ever wanted to do, even if it was silly or selfish. 

I feel really strongly now more than ever that I just need to devote myself to will and the girls and the house, and create a really good, beautiful situation for us all to live in. 

Taking back power

This week is still very much about just trying to adjust to the girls being out all day and finding a new routine. I had all these hopes that I would hit the ground running and find some incredible inner energy that I could harness to get my life straight in 3 days, but it hasn't quite happened like that. I am in a bit of a slump. I am picking away at jobs that never seem to be finished. I need to write some lists that I can tick off. And I need to keep the faith that if you keep working hard, eventually you see results. 

Today the job I have made for myself is to completely empty and sort through the four built in cupboards in my studio, which holds most of the house's chaos. There are a few areas like that which never really got sorted after the moved, just unpacked and hidden away. There could be anything in there. This is a large house with lots of storage, there is no reason that everything should have a home, and that I should be able to lay my hands on things at a moment's notice. 

Money is also the subject of the moment, as I'm sure it is for many people. Our boat storage arrangement from last winter is no longer an option, which means that we now have no choice but to put it in a marina. Marinas are expensive, and honestly this is something I could do without. But it is important to work with the situation in front of you, which is what I am going to do. I have cancelled the girls swimming lessons. They can pretty much swim now and just need practice. The money would be better saved instead for us to go swimming as a family sometimes at the local pool. I used to take Hazel swimming while ivy was in her lesson, or else take them both to soft play. The cost of swimming has now nearly doubled since before the holidays, so that is another expense I can do without. I have cancelled the girls yoga session also, which if I'm honest Hazel was really too young for and was often more pain than pleasure, and will has also stopped going to his yoga session as he doesn't feel he needs it any more. He has also stopped going to his drumming circle as he has found a group he likes to play music with, for free, on a Saturday instead. Between all of these things we worked out we are now saving about £170 a month, a enormous sum. The girls are still taking their ballet class once a week as they get a lot from that, although it is expensive. 

I am changing the way I do my food shopping. I have more time to think about it and plan ahead, and now will be doing a monthly pantry shop, and then plan to just top up on veg once a week when we need it. Will and I are going to just have one cup of tea a day and have said to Hazel to stop drinking milk as buying so much oat milk is one of our biggest grocery expenses. 

I am doing more batch cooking and making good use of our slow cooker. I am baking snacks for the girls lunchboxes. We are making our own wine, and I have made 20 odd jars of jam, and will be making more from apples we got for free. We are making the most of foraging where we can. We have been bringing home the odd bit of wood to dry for the stove. I have a couple of things I can sell and hopefully put a little bit of money by, just in case. 

I have been pouring through old recipe and housekeeping books, and studying wartime leaflets and books on thrifty living. This is not the most hard up the nation has ever been, just the most spoilt. In short, we will not be dragged down. 

 

Now it is a beautiful sunny morning, I am sat  in our little garden. I can hear the children playing at the school someone hammering, and if I stay really still I think I can hear the sea. I am not hungry or thirsty, and I am grateful. 
 

Digging for victory

My phone is being especially dicky so we'll see how well this goes. 

Today was the girls' first day back at school, and hazels first day full time, which means that I will now have 6 of my own hours every day. I felt quite rudderless straight after dropping them off, and just made a coffee and stared onto space for a few minutes, the weight of that time pressing down on me. It didn't take long however for me to have a look around and see how much housework there was to get on with. And it was only after I began that I truly realised that getting this house in order is something that will take me weeks of solid work, not days. That's fine, I'm glad to have a focus, and something that is so good for the family. 

I spend today cleaning the kitchen, lounge and bathroom, fairly superficially really. I will go through the whole house like this making it comfortable, then phase two, beginning next week, will see me going through everything and getting rid of the whole bloody lot of it. 

The house already feels better, and though by the time I picked up the girls I was tired, I didn't feel like I had a whole load to carry on with once they were about. Instead after school we made pizzas and talked about the day. Now they are in the garden and I am having a ten minute rest. 

As I had planned, last week I dug up a chunk of the garden to use for vegetable beds. My neighbour keeps horses and let me help myself to some manure, so the only thing I have had to buy is some netting to keep the cats from using it as a toilet. Sadly it hasn't stopped then lying on my chard seedlings and squashing them flat. The space doesn't amount to much but I think with pots as well next year, and some careful planning, it will be a job worth doing. 

 

I'm doing the best I can

 It's been a busy couple of weeks. Last week we went camping for the first time as a family, and had a great time. We found a lovely, quiet site 20 minutes from here, which was also within budget. I hope we'll get a chance to go again this month but I'm not sure we will yet. Camping is great because you are reminded of how little you need just to get on.

At the weekend we went to England and spent a few hours going through wills grandparents house, as they have both passed on now. We brought home his granddad's knitting machines, which at the moment look a bit daunting but which I am sure we can get the hang of. Also a lot of other useful things that we needed-some good cookbooks, tools, jam jars, a pair of wellies for me, tea towels, a toaster. A lid of things we have been needing for a while but haven't had the spare cash for.

Although quite a sombre morning, it's so enlightening and exciting to see how well and how simply Will's grandparents lived. Most of their things were old and well used, they didn't buy new things for the sake of it, they used what they had and used it well. They both had a lot of hobbies and skills, but they didn't have stacks of stuff that went unused. They lived long, and well. There is a lot we can learn from their lives.

When the girls go back to school on Wednesday I am going to begin my major sort out of this house. Many things have never really been sorted out or put in a proper home since we moved last year. Really, I haven't been organised in about six years, since I've been a mother, it's all been saved for later. I think having a huge clear out, finding a home for everything, and getting this house really clean will make all the difference to this bloody awful depression, as well as saving us all time, money and energy. And once I have sorted all of that out I can get back to decorating this house and making it really pleasant. I'm actually really excited, I can already feel the relief this is going to bring.