Nowhere Game

It seems like declaring a spend-freeze put the kiss of death on saving a little bit of money this month. Sooty's leg has swollen up again so he's off to the vets again on Monday, poor lad. Will bought gig tickets for him and a couple of friends for some band in March, and then I found out yesterday that Patrick Wolf is doing a tiny tour, for, I think the first time in about 8 years, so it was a given that we would get tickets for that as well. All very lucky timing as they went on sale this morning for what looks like quite a small venue in Cardiff. 
After seeing Placebo in November - which I did enjoy - I thought I was probably about done with gigs as I'm starting to get on, and don't really enjoy standing around for hours on end anymore, but I make an exception for Patrick and I'm actually really excited already. I'm going to crochet a new dress to wear to it. 

Another big day, as today we ordered out kitchen. Not much to say about it, except that it is being delivered in April and installed in May. Plenty of time to get things in order before then, and there is enough to sort out.

 

Little things

 It's been a rocky first three months at my job and I'm still getting to grips with it and making mistakes, and some days questioning why I am even trying to work a proper job, but today after working a bit of overtime to get some stuff sent out, I had an unexpected email from some high up at our client company saying thanks and good job. I was so pleased I felt a bit light headed - it doesn't take much to turn someone's day around, or even change their whole attitude about something. 

More kitchen, more stichin'

 I did draft a really long post about my general sense of ennui, but then thought who cares? I'm down in the mouth, I'm not really sure why, who isn't? Moving on. 

Kitchen man came to have a look today, take a few more measurements and give a bit of advice. That, and having a couple of days to think has led us to make a few changes to our plan, so we need to get our heads together tonight and get it all really clear so that we can hopefully get this kitchen ordered on Friday.

The biggest change is that we have been umming and ah-ing over whether to go with the big range or not. Although I had one in the last house and loved it to bits, I think that we've decided it's not really essential and maybe just being excessive for the sake of it. Compromising, I am planning to get just a standard 60cm Rangemaster - still a big luxury and really good brand, but gaining and bit more cupboard/counter space. We will have to buy this separately as they don't stock it, so a bit more to sort out, but not much. 

We also want to rethink our flooring as have been advised that the sheet vinyl we've ordered isn't as thick or hardwearing as we might like, so we need to look into our options there. 

We have also decided to look at our lights, as at the moment out kitchen light is hideous fluorescent strip lighting. We always would have changed it, so why not now?

That, and a few other minor details. It'll be exciting to get the ball rolling.

I have started a knitting project, more as an inbetweeny keep my hands busy sort of project as I ordered some wool to make a jumper for my brother, which just hasn't turned up. While I was waiting for that to appear, and then waiting for a refund, I thought I may as well get on with something else. I'll re-order his wool next week. 

This is just a pattern I picked up from Shaws because it disappeared. I thought it would be handy to slip over a long-sleeved t-shirt in the inbetweeny months. I am using some groggy, mossy (my signature colour) self-patterning wool that I had knocking around, I can't remember the brand. It's supposed to be aran weight but feels more like DK. The pattern asks for aran but it's knitting up fine. It's a nice easy knit. The bottom is very curly, not sure what to do about that, or if I'll do anything. Maybe crochet edging would sort it out. 

I also bought two new crochet books this month, not that I really need any projects lined up. 

The patterns can be really hit and miss in books, but the first one looks like it has a lot of projects I would make, mainly little nifty gifty things. The main reason I bought it is that is has a pattern to make a set of stuffed Russian Doll toys - so sweet. 
The vintage book decorating with crochet has a lot more ambitious patterns. I bought it after I saw it in the Anna Biller film Viva, and couldn't resist. When I have a bit more time and patience I could see myself diving into that as well. 

Drifty

 I think there's that problem of your imagined self, or the self that you would most like to be, and whether than aligns with what you are actually doing or not. 

Since I was a teenager I always just wanted to be a housewife and make things, and look after my home and husband and children, and then for a few years that was my whole identity and it was in such a rich and fulfilling way. Because of the large garden and our desire to be as self-sufficient as possible, I devoted so much time to learning and practicing useful skills, so I really was a full-time housewife. I didn't do anything else, even for a minute of the day. 

Then we moved and that changed the dynamic a lot, because I wasn't really needed as a housewife in that way anymore. And that not being needed, that feeling of pointlessness combined with boredom and lack of money I think made me swing the other way and think, well if I'm not working at home anymore I'll have to find a 'proper job', which I did. Which has been a bit odd as it's always been something I absolutely swore off, even when we've been really financially hard up, it's not something I ever considered. And now I give lots of my time to this very abstract work just for money. And a bit naively probably I thought that it would make me feel less pointless. But all it's done is knock my perception of myself out of alignment with my actions.  

Without wanting to sound too affected, I think the problem is that that former version of myself, or the way I saw myself, felt so much more real and genuine than the life I am living now. But I can't put my finger on exactly what it is that feels so unreal now. I suppose it's that growing vegetables and digging and sewing and making jam are all very tangible. Working in document control to earn money is all very abstract. I was born to be a peasant. Of course I could work harder and get that part of my life back in lots of ways, I think as always, the only think that I'm lacking is oomph.

Taking the plunge

 A very big plunge for us. Outside of buying a house and having children I don't think we have ever made such a big commitment - we are buying a new kitchen. And we are buying it on finance, something we would normally do anything to avoid. But it will take yonks to save up to buy a new one outright and I'm fed up of our broken old kitchen. 

Nothing is confirmed yet. We have a man coming to do a survey on Wednesday who I am fully expecting to suck his teeth and explain to me why I can't have anything that I want. I am also fully expecting our 140 year old house to have more than one issue that makes fitting a new kitchen more complicated than is ideal. I am fully expecting the cost we have been quoted to be very conservative. But nonetheless I am super excited at the thought that in just a few months we might have a totally different kitchen. It's practically our living space, as it is a kitchen/diner, and we spend more time in there than in any other room. The kitchen that is in there at the minute is at least from the 80s if not older, and has soooo many problems with it, so many parts of it that at best are not ideal, and worst either totally broken, or totally disgusting. 

When we moved here I painted it all white and we put in vinyl tile flooring - which has not lasted well, at all - but it was really only every supposed to be temporary, just to make it bearable. We had to buy a new oven and fridge and freezer, those we will have to sell on when work is confirmed.

So hopefully what we have here is something like how our kitchen will end up. Imagine a black range (cream was discontinued, booo) and tile-effect roll vinyl flooring. We have deliberately not filled up the walls with cabinets. There is already a boiler - not pictured - by the window which we will have boxed in, and some space leftover so we can decide what we need, though I'm leaning towards a nice plate rack. 

For shock value, here is what our kitchen looked like when we came to view the house - I think it's a testament to our imagination that we then put in an offer. We have since tarted it up a bit, but it's not great. 

Hooray, hoorah, and also try not to have a nervous breakdown. 

Spend freeze

Our last pay day was before Christmas, so this pay period will have actually been just short of 6 weeks. We have had quite a few big expenses this month - Will bought a new motor for our boat, much needed and an absolute steal at £250, but not expected. Sooty was unwell and had to go to the vets, £138. We traveled a lot over Christmas, the petrol for which came to well over £150. £131 on seeds, bits for the door, oil for the floors, and general odds and sods from B&Q. Also a whole lot of careless frittering away - all on my part I should add. Some yarn here, a book there etc., it adds up. Will had a small bonus from work and my pay has meant that thankfully despite this overspending we aren't yet in debtors prison, but with nearly two weeks to go until the next pay day, there's no better time than now to try and do a spend freeze. There will be more expenses before the end of the month - Will's train ticket to work, gas & electric top up, weekly veg box. But from now until the end of the month I am not going to buy anything we don't need, and do my best to make careful decisions and economise on the things that we do need. Next month after payday I plan to continue down the same track and hopefully start to make some savings again - honestly it's been a while. 

That's all, just making myself accountable. 

Toadstool

 Well I finished the toadstool jumper for my Mum, which I posted and arrived to her today. I so enjoyed making it - the toadstool squares were easy but not dull, and I loved making something I knew would really please Mum. I am also planning a jumper for my brother which I am intending to incorporate toadstools into, but it seems like my yarn has gotten lost in the post, which is hugely annoying. Probably by the time it arrives winter will be over. Teach me to order online, but with Shaws closing down there aren't that many local options for buying yarn, and I wanted something special in any case. 

It's been a bit of a week at work (so far) and I have been in such a pit of gloom over my job, my life, my purpose. When we were in Cwmgors with a huge garden and two little girls running around in it, I knew exactly what I was supposed to be doing every day, and it all felt so vivid and like it mattered so much. Now the girls are in school, there is no big garden for me to care for, and I have taken on paid work partly out of necessity and partly out of plain boredom, and I'm not really sure if it feels right. I have thought about doing some volunteering instead, which I'm certain I would prefer, but I can't deny the fact that the cost of everything has doubled, or nearly doubled, and honestly we could do with the money.

I don't know. I need to give it time and see if an answer comes to me. This is just so far from what we had planned. I never wanted to spend the girls' childhood sat at a desk while the house falls down around me. And now I don't have time to clean, or bake, or grow things, or anything.

Moan moan whine whine. I don't even work full time and honestly I don't know how people who do manage. 

Best be off. I have 15 minutes to have a good old clear up. Really my biggest problem is laziness and procrastination - hopefully conditions I can overcome. 

Not mushroom for more jumpers

Some photos to remind myself that I haven't been doing absolutely nothing for the first fortnight of the year, although it does feel a bit like it. 

We have signed up for an organic vegbox again. My salary allows us the financial wiggle room to do this now and I think eating good organic food should probably be a priority if nothing else is. So far so good. We have also been able to order fruit and sourdough bread from riverford. It's too cold to start another sourdough at the moment and I don't tolerate bread very well at the best of times - which this is not. 

I made a jumper in the first week of the year. I actually bought the pattern a couple of months ago intending to make it for my Mum, but in the event the pattern was difficult to adapt to a size small enough for her, and the yarn came out a whole lot pinker than I had envisioned it. I will keep this one, although I'm not totally pleased with it, and am making her another which I am much happier with. It should be done within the week.

Little toadstools for Mum's jumper. These are so funny and whimsical I think I am going to have to include them in every garment I make this year. I just can't summon the enthusiasm for knitting that I can with crochet - it is so easy with crochet to make silly, playful little things. 

I am working on a pair of wristwarmers for my friend for Christmas - obviously a bit late. I've been intending to to them for ages of course, but with one thing and another. I should be able to do the other one tonight in time to see her later in the week I love this pattern, I have made them for somebody else before, and if I needed another pair, which I definitely don't, I would make them for myself. 

I thought I would have a bit more time than I do in the event to will have to leave it at that. Maybe using this blog again would give me a bit more oomph, I think I've lost my way a bit. 

Resolutions

I wanted to remove this blog as I generally feel so uneasy about the internet, social media, and any involvement with either, but I find I am still hankering after somewhere to lay down my outpourings about the future, apocalyptic fears, and crochet. 

I don't know, maybe I'm here, maybe I'm not. 

I am still off of facebook and instagram, and strangely this time I truly haven't looked back. I don't find that I am wishing I still had it for this or that reason, I don't feel any more lonely than I did (probably a bit less lonely as at least in real life your loneliness isn't so in your face), and I don't feel that twitch that I might be missing out. I also have remained without a smartphone, although I have put Whatsapp onto a laptop my Dad gave me and have been using that. It's not ideal but it's more similar to straight forward texting - which also isn't ideal but apparently is just the way it is now, suck it up. 

I genuinely would, if I could, remove the internet and every change it has made to the world, good or bad. But I can't. In fact it seems that I can't even remove it from my own life (can't or won't), but I hope that there are many things I can do to be more present in the life that I'm actually living. 

Well it's a new year, and New Year is a time for resolutions. I usually reel out a great long list. Get thinner, work harder, get more exercise, make friends, be nicer, be better etc etc. 

They all amount to the same, do what works and do it well, and do less of things that don't work. 

So I can't think of too many specific resolutions this year. I will of course improve my health which it has become clear is getting worse and worse as I get older. Illnesses like cancer and heart disease, diabetes etc are so widespread and for the most part preventable, and begin with complacency.

My Mum was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer last year. She had breast cancer 10 years ago and had a series of quite heavy treatments which she never really recovered from, and after a few miserable years of life stress her body obviously couldn't fight it off any more and it has come back. My mum is being incredibly proactive and has made herself as knowledgable as possible, and fully intends to recover. The body works fantastically well when it is supported properly - and by this I mean a diet full of organic veggies and devoid of sugar and processed foods, lots of exercise, lots of laughing and good times, and a generally positive and life-enriching outlook. 
After all of the pain my poor Mum has been through with her health it is the most offensive thing I can think of that I shouldn't follow suit and make some big changes to my diet and lifestyle. So more than resolutions, here is what I need to change, and my plan to live past 50:

Drink less or no alcohol - obviously I drink far too much. Alcohol is a carcinogen, a fact that I only recently learned! It's really quite bad for you, and honestly it doesn't make you feel much better

Cut out refined sugar entirely - there is nothing in biscuits that encourages your body to keep living. 

Get exercise every day - I enjoy being fit and strong, I enjoy exercise, so why exactly to I spend so much time sat down?

Cut back/remove chemical household & shower etc products - these definitely are bad for you and full of all sorts of poisons which don't promote any kind of good health. 

Change the food we eat to organic - same again

This is an important one - spend more time doing things that make me enjoy my life and less things that make me wound up and stressed. My life in the past few years seems to have become this dark room, where I only allow things onto my radar when they are things I have to deal with, find a solution for, or generally chew over and let stress me out. I'm a mess. 

I can't remember where this is going. Please God let this year be better. I think I have said that since 2020. Maybe this will be the turning point. 

Oh, I also resolve to do things when I say I'm going to do them - my very worst quality.