Maybe I will paint a watercolour of the sea
Maybe I will laugh at, and then cook a brown recipe from a 70s cookbook
Maybe I will rediscover Myspace
Maybe I will go for the longest walk
Maybe I will worry about the past and future and fleas and money
Maybe I will go someplace new, maybe with a shingle beach
Maybe I will put nearly everything that's mine into binbags
I don't have any photographs for this post as I am still in the process of divorcing my smartphone and switching over to using the classic camera/laptop combo which worked so well for years. Getting there though. this week I have installed the things I need on my laptop so that I can get rid of my smartphone, and just need to copy over my phone numbers etc, and then I can cut ties completely - feels good! I've been all talk for so long, hating smartphones but having one, hating social media but using it. What kind of discord have I been inflicting on myself all these years, doing something that I know is so harmful to myself?
We are in the middle of my second week of work. I am working three days a week, so the last day of my week will be tomorrow. It has been strange and interesting going back to work. At the moment I am doing loads of training, and the real work hasn't begun yet, which is quite daunting as I know when it does the pressure will really be on. But in this last week and a half I have felt a part of my old self stirring inside me which I thought I had lost. My best self who was confident and positive, and got stuff done, because it needed to get done. In the last couple of years my mind has got fat, my body has got fat, and I have lost any motivation to be better. I have been tired, and snappy with my family, grumpy and burdened. Sighing every time I heard one of the girls call 'Mummyyy' through the house, and despairing at the monotony of doing the same chores every day. In a quiet and secret way I have come to resent my life, and I know it wasn't always so.
Covid and all the came with it marked the beginning of 2020. We are coming up to Christmas now, and I say this change, this personal change marks the end of the worst two years of my life. That is gone. I am not going to be doing that any more.
So in the spirit of new beginnings and starting as you mean to go on, on Monday I went for a run. I did go running a handful of times last year, probably about this time of year, but I haven't been consistent with it in years. It used to be one of my great pleasures and I often miss it. I am overweight and it is hard. But being overweight is uncomfortable too, so I am quite used to doing uncomfortable things. I enjoyed my run so much on Monday that I went again yesterday for twice as far. I am sore today. But I feel happy (ish) and intend to make it a part of my work day routine - work until lunch time, go for a run, collect the girls from school.
I have been knitting and crocheting a lot, trying to make little gifts for Christmas, which I am hyper aware is coming up fast. A friend of mine is starting up a casual stitch and bitch which I am really looking forward to.
I have been for a couple of sea swims this week and am still so enjoying that connection with the water, and I am intending to go again at the weekend. I think I need to go more often, even if it is by myself and just for 10 minutes, and I want to keep my tolerance to the cold as we come into winter.
Today I am going to get up and about, on my very sore legs, and get this house ship shape. It's just a house. Anyone can tidy a house, and I've been making excuses for my laziness for too long. I don't want to be a victim. I have everything I need in my life, and I have the power to make things better for everyone. Onwards and upwards.
