Kitchen stuff

 Today was payday. I've transferred my salary into another account and hope very much that it can just sit there (with the below exception), and I've also set up a slightly optimistic standing order for our savings account. I am going to try my very hardest to make it work, because the consequences are so much greater now - if I fail at keeping to our budget, I have to go back to work. 

I am planning to buy some yarn, the money for which I will take from my salary, so that I can hopefully get going with my crochet. I don't know whether I will do this straight away or wait until I am ready to begin working. I think it makes sense to wait. I need to let go of this habit of living pay check to pay check and spending money the instant it comes in. Besides that, let this be a no spend month, or as close to that as possible. It is Ivy's birthday in a couple of weeks but I have already bought the bulk of her presents, and she also wants to have a little picnic party - that shouldn't be a huge expense. 

We had a great bargain this week - Will went to a sort of boat-jumble sale at the marina and bought this 4 slot toaster for a pound. Aparently the guy said he didn't know if it would work, which I always take to mean it definitely doesn't work. But by some miracle, it does! We've been after a 4 slot toaster for ages but haven't wanted to pay out for one. 

My first loaf of sourdough turned out so so. It tastes great, and rose well, but is quite dense and not as crumby as is nice. This one I left to rise for 5 hours, but I'm not sure how warm my kitchen is, so the next one I left overnight. 

Much better. Unfortunately gluten is really hurting my tummy at the moment. 

I must be getting a bit of mental clarity and motivation back because I finally did a job that's been staring at me for weeks, and sealed our huge oak chopping board with linseed oil. This was an offcut from the kitchen counter that the fitters rounded off for us at the edge. It's massive, and so so handy. 

Trying to get back into the knack and rhythm of crochet as I've not done it for a few months - I've been making a few dishcloths and flannels, which are are things that we've been desperate for for ages. We had some wonderful dishcloths that my friend Pam in Cwmgors made for us ages ago out of an old towel that she's chopped up and edged with the overlocker, but they're just about all worn out or missing now. These are made of cotton and work a treat. 

I have work this morning, and for three days this week, then just two days next week, and then I'm free as a bird. It's going to be a bit of a trial this week as I need to work out how to handover, and to who? But I'm trying to stay positive and not make things into my problem. 

To do

 I do think of Cwmgors often. I have memories pop up on my phone every few days - and that's just the photos I took. Vegetables I grew and picked, and the kids mucking about. Things that we built. Sunny days. There was a lot. We were there for four and a half years, and until very close to the end I thought it would be forever. I still remember that day in September, on holiday in Fishguard. Will saying to me - what's keeping us in Cwmgors? When it all crumbled. 

I know it's been the right thing to move, the right thing for the kids, for the family. I'm glad we've moved and I love it here. But I was getting on okay there. So it's still hard, if I give myself any time to think about it, and when I see other people living close to nature, and having some land, and growing their own food, I find it hard not to feel very sorry for myself. But never for the girls or Will. We've done what's best.

I've been thinking of things I'm going to get on with once the girls are back in school in September. I'm determined to make this summer holiday a good one, and start as I mean to go on with school breaks. But once they are back in school, besides getting on with the crochet and drawing and starting my own business(es), I would like to: 

- Finish painting our bedroom, obviously.

- Tidy up and paint woodwork in basically the whole house.

- Paint bathroom and office ceiling

- Paint below dado rail in back room

- Make bath tray out of wood WITHOUT WILL

- Take off door handle in bathroom and work out what's wrong with it WITHOUT WILL

- Master Sourdough

- Declutter, obviously. 

- Make pantry in kitchen? (I know I asked Will to, but is this something I could do?)

- Complementary to some of the previous - learn to use drill?

- Make pair of flares out of charity shop jeans (buy jeans from charity shop first)

That'll do for now, more to follow. 

OH LOOK! I'm getting my mojo back already! Perhaps soulless office jobs are death. 

Changes

Right. 

Monday is payday. Although my salary will be paid, I am going to put it away straight away, as we don't currently have any savings whatsoever, and I think without that the existential threat will just be too overwhelming to sleep. So, as far as I'm concerned as of this month we are now on a single income. 

I have just had a quick glance over the very brief budget I wrote up the day I decided to quit my job, and had a little wobble when I realised just how careful we will have to be. But it's okay, it's fine, we have all we need, we have a nice house, we are drowning in abundance, we can't even see it anymore. 

So I thought it might be a helpful exercise to write down a few thoughts I have drifting about, what we do have, what we don't have, what we can save on, what we will be sacrificing, what we hope to benefit. I don't know, anything. This would be much easier to do if I were just talking and rambling away, but there we are. 

So the easiest thing to start with - what we have: 

We recently secured out mortgage for another 5 years. Inevitably it has gone up, but we were lucky and got a new deal in the brief lull in interest rates, so it is only about £60 more per month. Could be worse. So our mortgage payments are affordable, and we live in a lovely big house, in a lovely area. 

We have had our kitchen redone. This isn't all positive, because we will be repaying it, quite hefty payments, for the next four and a bit years. HOWEVER, had I not taken on this job, we never would have had our kitchen redone, and it really wasn't just a luxury, it was a necessity, our old kitchen was basically dissolving. So I am super grateful for that. We will manage the payments. We spend so much of our time together in the kitchen that it is so worth it. 

I have skills that I can use, and now give time to, and hopefully sell. Not much more to say on this, except that time will tell. 

In addition to that I have skills and time that I can use to make things for the house and family. Things that are good quality and will last. I have time to repair things and make things last. I have time to think carefully about anything we actually need to buy. I am able to cook and bake and make things from scratch, and I enjoy this. 

We live in a community, where after two years we are feeling settled, and like we know and like our neighbours, and that is only getting stronger. We are able to share our resources and lean on those around us when we need help. We are in the same situation as a lot of families we know, where the husband is working from home, and the wives are generally choosing to be homemakers. There is a lot that we can share. 

We have all of the books, films and music we could ever need and have two libraries within walking distance. 

We live in one of the most beautiful areas in the country, and are surrounded by arguably, the most beautiful beaches in the country. 

We have each other. 

What we don't have: 

Money to spend without thinking (is this a good thing?)

Money for regular holidays or trips. 

Adequate knowledge of home maintenance and repair for when things go wrong - can we work on this? 

Family near by to support us.

It's harder to think of things that we don't have, we're in pretty good shape. 

What we can save on: 

Food shopping - buying food without looking at how much it costs. I will have more time to shop around and plan carefully. To buy when things are cheap, and to store in the freezer when necessary. 

Organic food. Some would argue it is a necessity. If you don't have much money, it is a luxury. I could work and afford organic carrots. I could not work, and have non-organic carrots, but be around to love and support my family. It's an easy choice. 

Clothes - I can repair things where necessary. I will have more time to shop around and keep an eye out for bargains at charity shops. I will have my head screwed on more for seeing when the girls are growing out of something, and have time to prepare rather than always being caught out. I can make our winter jumpers, gloves hats scarves. 

Cooking from scratch - I will have time to make all of our kombucha, sauerkraut, sourdough, baked goods, lunchbox snacks, picnic snacks, etc. etc. This is something that has crept up and up, all of these extras. It all costs money. 

Books - Make better use of our libraries.

I will think of more. 

What we will be sacrificing: 

It will be harder if Will or I want to go to a gig or something - we will need to have a good buffer in savings to make this possible. 

Likewise any kind of trip away - unless we have a good bulk in savings, this isn't happening. 

Holidays - Same again. It's not impossible, but none of these things can be on a whim anymore. 

Saying yes to the girls. I don't want to say yes to everything they ask for, but towards the end, before I took the job, I felt like all I ever said was no. We didn't have extra money growing up and it sucked, and I didn't want that for the girls. I have to remind myself that we had no money AND my parents were divorced, and my mother worked full time. The girls have two parents, and if on is at home, I think that is worth more than ice creams and brand name shoes. I hope they'll feel the same too. 

Stuff - I won't pretend I have no interest in having a nice house full of nice things. I like it. But I don't need it. 

Decorating - Same with the holidays etc, it's not impossible, but it's something that will have to be saved for. 

We won't be sacrificing - Togetherness, love, wholesome fun, full tummies, busyness, skills, friends, or any other things that MATTER.

What I hope to gain: 

The number one thing - more time and energy for the girls. Not feeling exhausted by them, not saying no to basic, wonderful stuff like going to the park because I'm too exhausted. 

My HEALTH. My horrible, horrible, slightly ill health. I have never really put anything into my health. I have made a few half-arsed gestures, but I've never done enough. Exercise, clean eating, and the most important thing that I have always brushed off - NO STRESS.

Fitness - I can get back into running in a consistent way after nearly ten years. I love running and I miss it. 

Time alone - I think everyone needs this. 

Time to use skills that I have actually enjoyed cultivating and which feel true to who I am, like crocheting garments and drawing. Being creative has been my life's work, and yet I've never worked at it. 

Time for Will - he works 40 hours a week, and anyone who does that needs a kind and loving environment to relax and thrive in. 

An organised and comfortable house - this is one of the biggest things that has slipped, it's a terrible mess and I've had no time. Equally, finish decorating this place, after two years!

More time outdoors - I live a 5 minute walk from the beach, I should be there. 

And so much more I'm sure, I will have to update as time goes on and I am living the life I'm meant for.

Would also add to this list, things that scramble your brain:

- wine

- telly

- social media

- online shopping

Wouldn't let the girls have any of these things, so why me? 

fermenting

It's a testament to the hyper-productivity of runner beans that even in our tiny garden we are having a glut. Yesterday I made runner bean and garlic curry. The girls didn't think much of it. 

 Yesterday I showed the girls how to change over the Kombucha and they did it with me. They are the first people I've known not to go a bit green over the scoby. I have been giving away my new scobys when they come, but I will save the next one, and have three batches of kombucha going at a time. That'll make about 5 bottles of Komucha every ten days which is about the right amount for us. 

Today I am making my first batch of sourdough since the lockdown, when flour scarcity meant that I had to let my starter go. 

I have been reading a super encouraging book by Kate Singh called the Homemade Housewife. Although many of the practical tips are quite common sense, it's a book I would really recommend to any family living on a single income, as her personal story is so inspiring and encouraging. They are a family of four, with pets, living on a single modest income, and who have managed to clear their debts and purchase their own home, simply through being frugal. I have read it before a few years ago, and I do remember enjoying it but I think something about it didn't quite connect with me. I think maybe now after having tried out working and having two incomes, and then returning to being a single income family I am seeing more how that needs to be a deliberate way of living and will require a change in lifestyle. 

This morning we went to the local library, which is something we generally do two or three times a month, and then visited the loveliest bakery on the way home. Today I had a vegan pasty, Ivy had a toscana which is a caramelly almond cake, Will had an apricot Macaroon (the British kind, not French) and Hazel had a mushroom cake, which it the best thing they sell - a pastry case filled with grey icing, which has been marked with the mushroom's gills, and then a marzipan stem. 

I have requested a couple of books from the library about how to use social media for your business. It's all a mystery to me, and I think is probably necessary these days. I don't want to start wrong and end up throwing good after bad. I must remember to the use the library more. 

cat puzzle

Will has had another look at my laptop and been able to diagnose the problem, so it is working again, although I am not using it at the moment. It means that when the time comes I will be able to Do Things - sell crochet, sell drawings? I don't know.

Today I had a first taste of how nice life will be after I have finished at work. Yesterday we got stuck in a 5.5 hour traffic jam (absolutely wild - for context, we live in South Wales, this doesn't happen) so today we have taken it easy and stuck to the neighbourhood. Cleaned, visited the park, folded laundry, and done a puzzle. Lovely. 

boat people

Last night we slept on the boat for the first time. There is something wrong with the motor, will is trying to fix it but it's long and tedious diagnosing the issue and in the mean time we can't really go sailing if we don't have a reliable motor as backup - we've done that before. Wills pretty upset about it, and honestly I'm disappointed not to go sailing, but it was a hoot camping on the boat, and surprising comfy. We have a little stove and it sleeps four, so just right for us. 

I was reminded of this yesterday while on the phone to my mum - a couple of weeks ago my mother in law gave me a coffee set that had been her parents'- wills grandparents - which she found in the loft after the passed away. I think she thought of me because of my distinct love of both coffee and mid century style. They are just my taste, and remind me of how nice it is to have special things and to really appreciate them. In the last few months we have had more money than ever, and as a result, I feel, have appreciated it all so much less. I don't like being poor exactly, but it feels better bring careful and grateful. 

Yesterday I made some vegetable pasties to take on the boat for supper. In the same vein I was reminded of how nice it is to bake and make things instead of relying on buying. We lost our way for a little bit there but hopefully are on our way back now.

I have my knitting club tonight and am going to begin working on some crochet designs to sell, and on Monday I also picked up my white lamp for drawing that I had lent to a friend, so wheels are in motion. 

lichen

Yesterday was the annual gala for ivy's ballet school - it was wonderful, dancers of all different ages and abilities, all working so hard, it was so moving. Ivy looked like she was really concentrating and enjoying herself, and is keen to carry on. 

I had an idea that I would like to go back to doing the botanical illustrations, maybe once the girls are back at school in September. I stopped when I was pregnant with Hazel as its such a slow and time consuming thing to do and I was so tired. I loved it though, it was very satisfying. I think if I can try and make smaller pieces they would be sellable. 

blooming

On thursday I looked after my friend's kid, who is Hazel's best friend. It's nothing to me and I was really pleased to be asked, but the next day she dropped off this beautiful bunch of flowers. It's such a relief to feel a Part of a community here. 

Yesterday morning I finally got a chance to catch up with my best friend back in cwmgors, and in the afternoon meet another friend in town to swap one of my kombucha scobys for some of her sourdough starter. I feel like I'm getting a taste of what life will be like one I've finished my notice period at work - feeling a part of something rather than watching from the outskirts. 

scraps

knitted this cardi from some of my odds and ends of dk. I said I'd make one each for the girls as well, and I will when I can stand it, but as always, doing a bit of knitting has confirmed to me that knitting is dull. And I need to get on with some crochet and start writing down designs and building up some inventory, if I'm to go through with my 'plan'. 

I have still quit my job, and I'm still feeling pleased about it. For the last few weeks I've just been staring at my computer and feeling like I'd taken a wrong turn somehow. We'll see how strong my resolve is once the poverty sets in. 

Had a lovely walk around the park today, remembered long forgotten & discarded people and events and talked to imaginary friends. I think I've treated people pretty cheaply over the years really. I don't feel great about it. 

quitter

Yesterday I quit my job. 

I'm a little nervous about money, money being the reason I took the job in the first place. But mostly I am just relieved. It's been a hard few years, and the job, which I hoped would be some magic plaster that would fix me by giving me meaning and money, did the opposite, and I haven't felt like myself since I started. 

I'm not sure what is next, but I have some ideas. 

Mainly cooking, cleaning, gardening, and playing with my girls, which are things that I think are very worthwhile indeed.