I have been thinking (again) lately, and have decided that the reason I am struggling to update this blog is not just lack of time, but because it has run its course.

When I started this blog we were living in London, I didn't have a job or children and was feeling rather down in the mouth and like I didn't have much to show for my life. It felt like a really important and righteous thing to use my spare time to encourage others (and myself) to live in as ethical a way as possible. I have learned a lot since then, made compromises, become a great deal more tolerant and have generally just come down off my soapbox. My ethics remain the same, but my journey is my own and the same goes for everyone else. 

I will leave this blog up for now and who knows, may check in again. I do intend to start blogging again at my art blog, the link for which should be in my profile. 

Thank you to everyone who has read and commented. I have enjoyed it.  

Jess

Flexing my thrift muscle

After all of my talk of thrift and saving last week it seems the universe has been out to challenge me to put my money where my mouth is, or not as the case may me. Last week my car clock started to blink at me on the way to school - 'oo er' I thought, 'I'd better just get it to school and then I'll take it to the garage straight after'. Well of course I got to school, turned off the car, it went 'tututututututut' and swiftly died. Hmm. I took Ivy into school anyway, and seemingly by fate the man who runs our garage was just coming out from dropping off his daughter and I almost snagged him to come and get my car with his truck, I even opening my mouth to say it, but something stopped me. I'll wait and see, I thought, which I did, until Will came home. We went out to have a look at my car - turned out the battery had just come loose, so he popped it back in, tightened it up, £0.
As I said we made a little guest bedroom in our house. I was looking for a second hand divan on gumtree and every time I kept finding one they would go, so in the end I put out a call on facebook to see if anyone was selling one - turned out someone I know had one to give away. It's seen better days, but with a couple of mattress protectors it'll do us for now until we have a bit of spare cash, £0.
A day later our hoover died. Hmm, again. Will took it all apart, put it all back together, nothing. He looked it up on the internet which reckoned it could only be one of three parts that had gone pop, all of which were about £25 each. Hmm, but which one? Then he looked again on youtube and found out a common fault with this particular model, where the little computer in it (or something??) dies, but can be bypassed to make the hoover work again. So that's what Will did, and it works! £0.
Meanwhile, I have sold two more things on ebay - a jacket from the charity shop I bought for £2.50 which I don't wear anymore, sold for £21, and a pair of shoes which end in a couple of days, I bought from a car boot never worn for £1, wore them once then broke my foot shortly after (they are running shoes) and decided perhaps my running days are over. They are bidding now at £20, so up at least £41 on the week.
However I have also spent £29 buying a printer. I ummed and ahhed over it for a while. It is to make prints of my paintings to sell at markets, and they are quite expensive to have made professionally, and also I would like to have the option to make them on request so that I don't have more than I need sitting around, so anyway the printer feels like a long term investment.
To add to our run of not-too-good luck, a couple of days ago our boiler went bang too. We are currently trying to get an engineer out (we have kept the boiler under warranty - phew) but were unable to do this at the weekend because they don't have an emergency number (????), and right now are taking a little convincing to get someone out as they are quibbling over our service history (The engineer we get to service our boiler is a bit tardy) so wish us luck on this one, I hope it will be another £0 fix, although not really as we have spent money keeping the warranty up for 3 years.
Oh, and also, my final triumphant save which I almost forgot - today I repaired my favourite pair of doc martens. I bought them second hand 5 years ago, and they have at least another 10 years left in them except that the stitching came away on one of the straps. They've been sat on my fixing pile for about 6 months as it was a bit of a tricky job (stitching through 3 layers of leather), but I finally got around to it this morning. They would be over £100 to replace, which is fairly academic I suppose as I don't have that kind of money to spend on shoes these days, but it still feels like a big win.
That's all for now, but I will be back in a couple of days. I have finally begun work sorting out what I will be selling for the Christmas markets, which will definitely be a bit of an investment - I hope it pays off!

Turns out everything is going to be okay

Blimey, whinge whinge, moan moan, I'm a barrel of laughs aren't I? I don't know what got into me in my last post.

Anyway, it has been a really positive couple of weeks in lots of ways. I have started to feel a little bit better in myself and have begun tackling some of the jobs that have needed doing in the house and garden, including clearing and planting up the polytunnel for winter, transforming the little room from my dusty, unloved studio into a sweet, albeit teeny weeny guest bedroom, and touching up some of the scruffy paint on the walls about the house. Lots left to do, but I'm quite determined to keep up the momentum and get as many of my jobs finished before winter so that I can spend a little time sewing and making in the evenings instead.
Another very bright note is that I have been back in touch with a very dear friend who I have not seen for some months. As well as the pleasure of seeing her and feeling the brightness that we bring into one another's lives, it has also been an eye opening experience into why you should never be afraid to reach out. I think that I have helped her, and she has helped me more than she knows.
I have done absolutely zip to prepare for these Christmas markets, the soonest of which is approaching in about a month. I seriously need to remedy this, I  guess I am just waiting for inspiration to strike. But a very positive thing is that I have been scratching around the house for things to sell on ebay and have certainly made enough money to cover the costs of having cards and prints made for the sale, which I obviously hope to recoup.
Actually I have had a bit of a moment with regards to money and saving. I don't know what happened to change things. We have always tried to be careful with money but it is still sometimes a struggle, and various events in the past few months like cars breaking led to our savings being completely depleted. After a bit of a think recently I realised that, probably for the first time, I really don't want anything. I don't want to wear fancy clothes or name brands. I don't want more books than I can read, or make up or jewellery or trinkets. Actually I have been having a bit of a detox from everything, just wearing the same few items of clothing over and over, not wearing any jewellery apart from my wedding ring, tying my hair in a bun every day, walking everywhere I can, and even barely listening to music which I have always done every day. It has felt very nice indeed and has been a striking exercise in learning what I am quite happy to do without. I think when you are very young you are searching for identity, and for ways to express your identity for others, so that you become like a walking advert of your own personal brand. Lately this has all felt too silly for words. But what a positive revelation this has been for me, and it has meant that not only have I saved twice as much this month as usual, I have also made an additional £200 (half of which will be saved, the other half will be spent on having cards made - then any profits from that will also be saved) just by scouring the house and removing anything flashy. I am not finished yet either, as I keep coming across remnants of our past life living and working in London, earning big(ish) bucks, and buying expensive things because I was unhappy. All of that and we haven't been without anything, in fact have just had more time and enthusiasm to fix and make nice all that we already have.
Anyway, I don't know where this is going, I have rambled quite enough. Now I must go and finish folding laundry before it's time to pick up Ivy from school. We are visiting another friend who I have not seen for several months in Swansea today.
I hope in time being kind and loving will just be a part of my being. Sometimes I think I have let that muscle become rather weak.

Can we do it? Yes we CAN

It's been a little while since I posted last and this is partly because we have been busy (as ever) and partly because it seems like more often than not I have been unwell and tired for the last few months. Anyway, I'm doing my best to get my spark back and we have been getting lots done and are ever closer to our hopes of being self-sufficient-ish.
Without wishing to complain or feel sorry for myself, lately I have been feeling quite keenly the lack of a community with which to share my interests and values. I do have a few friends in the village, and I run the baby and toddler group and Ivy is in school now, so I do feel fairly involved, but that is not enough to replace having a group of people who you can bounce ideas off of, and share knowledge and enthusiasm with.
My mother was not interested in things like sewing, gardening cooking, etc, so it was not a part of my culture growing up, especially as we lived in the city without a garden at all for much of my life, and it is only as an adult that I have had the freedom and resources to discover how important these things are for me. Perhaps I was overly optimistic when we moved out of the city, thinking that I would be surrounded by people who share these interests. Alas we are not, and it is tiring to be regarded as quirky for things that are so important and valuable to me. I find myself envying people who live in strictly moral communities like the Amish because at least they know what they are doing. Anyway, it's all by the by I suppose. But to anybody reading - consider this an advert; currently recruiting outdoorsy, jam-making, gardening, homey, simple friends.
Onto more positive things. It was my birthday last week and I had all of my family visiting including both of my parents who are separated - my father lives in America - so that was a real treat. I was given some wonderful presents, things that I will really treasure , the highlight of which was certainly a canner. I have been after one for quite a while and they are difficult and expensive to buy in this country. So I have been canning mad, preserving veg from the garden in brine, relishes, salsa and chutneys. I can't wait to try more different things.

Our garden is winding down now after an incredibly productive summer, but we are still hoping to grow as much as we can over winter. It will not be enough to provide all of the veg that we need,  but it is our first winter growing so anything will be a success.
I am very keen to do some sewing. It has been a long time and I don't know if or how I will find the opportunity to, but there are things that I need, and more than anything I just don't have money to keep buying things every time I need something. A nice and easy project to start with is some aprons. I only have two which I find isn't enough anyway and they are both quite worn out, so I am determined to make this an evening project after the girls have gone to bed. If all goes well and I get back into the swing of it then ideally I would like to make some dresses. I am finding it hard to find dresses of a length that I like in shops, and now that I am no longer breastfeeding I don't need to be wearing things with a  low neckline, and I would rather not.
I have been asked to and agreed to have a stall at Ivy's school's Christmas shopping event, so this will give me the push I need to get myself organised. I will have to have some cards and prints made, and am also planning to paint some new originals to sell as well as small one-off Christmas decorations. It will give me plenty to do but I am looking forward to it, and planning to do a couple more Christmas markets as well. I made a nice bit of money at the last one I did and it will all help with Christmas.
There is not much other news. Just wishing things were a bit less of a struggle lately.

Things (bit of a rant really)

Thinking a lot this week about Things and the stress they cause.
It's no secret that I hanker for a past that I never lived in. A lot of people would criticise me for that, and that's fine, they are probably right. But it seems to me there is so much that has gone wrong, and so much that has changed so much for the worse towards the end of the last century.
One of these things is how much we rely on and expect to own lots and lots of Things, and how these things break, get tatty, or get less reliable or efficient so that we have no choice other than to keep buying more and more Things. Nothing new here, but does no one else find this absolutely exasperating as well as deeply troubling? Not really a question, I know lots of people do.

We have had quite a lot of run-ins lately with things going wrong which has made the fact especially stark. We were away on holiday last week, but a couple of days before that our washing machine went on the fritz. We've only had it a couple of years. We bought it second hand, but reconditioned, it wasn't an old machine, and it wasn't cheap. The bearings were the issue so Will intended to replace them. When he called hotpoint now he found out that machines these days are built with a sealed tub as it is cheaper to manufacture. To replace the bearings you had to buy a whole new drum for £160. He spent some time on line and it looked like there was a long and complicated way of repairing it which involved sawing open the tub. He tried, it didn't work, we have had to buy a new (old) machine off gumtree.
As we know my phone is also broken and I am still procrastinating making a decision about it. I still don't really want one, but it is hard without one. I found this out yesterday when I was in ammanford (I popped out to buy bananas rather than just walk to the local shop - immense regret, that's what you get for being lazy), and Ivy dangled off of my car key and broke it. Meanwhile Will was out in Hirwaun collecting this washing machine but had gotten no response when he knocked on the door so was asking me to look up on an old, barely functional smart phone to find a phone number for this person. The phone died, I couldn't call Will back, I couldn't drive home to call him back because my car key was broken. I thought I would just flag someone down to use their phone but everyone was rushing around everywhere, and with two kiddies in tow it jus felt impossible. I asked in tescos - no, customers cannot use the phone. I asked in the charity shop - no, customers cannot use the phone. Eventually the chappie let me use his personal phone to call Will who was an hour away to say he needed to go back home to get the spare car key and bring it to me, but oh, I wouldn't know what time it was, and he couldn't ring me to meet me as I had no phone. So I went to the Tesco café to think, and asked to use their phone to call Will and ask him to meet me there. The woman looked at me like I had three head for about a minute before finally asking 'why?'. The obvious answer 'to make a call' only prompted more staring.
Anyway, it all ended fine  but was very annoying and quite alarming at the time.

Still out of reach

And quite enjoying it, although I'm worried that I'm becoming a bit annoying to people who can't reach me. What would be ideal is if everyone else gets rid of their phones too, what do you think?
I'm surprised actually how much more time it has given  me to do everything really, but especially to think and get my head straight, and I'm finding myself more enthusiastic once more about things like reducing our waste, eating organic, cutting down on how much we are buying. things that used to be really important to me.

There's not really any news here this week. We have finally had some heat and sunshine which has been wonderful. We don't use sunscreen in our house - something opinions are divided on so I shall say little about it. There is a good deal of research into the dangers of it. There is also a good deal of research into the benefits, however largely funded by the companies producing sunscreen, and even they say that it is best to seek shade. Anyway, as a result we try not to be out in the sun for too long without having breaks, so we have been dividing our time this weekend between gardening, going for walks, playing outside, and watching Glastonbury on telly! We have all come out the other side unburned, but with a nice bit of a tan which will be very handy if the sun decides to show its face again this summer!

Somehow the garden is managing to produce enough veg for us despite the lack of sun and warmth. Actually this is the beginning of the third week without a food shop for veg - only bananas, apples and cucumbers which we eat a lot of.

There is nothing that compares to eating really fresh food and it gives me so much more respect and interest in mealtimes. I like cooking but I don't especially enjoying sitting down to a meal, it's something I'm working on, but this really helps. I think the connection to food is something that is really missing a lot of the time and which I feel I need to enjoy it.
That's all for now. The gardening jobs were finished this morning but there is plenty to be done in the house before the beginning of another week.

I haven't checked this post for typos, so apologies in advance

More thoughts about technoology and the 'way it's done'

I can't even say how many half-written blog posts are sat in my drafts right now,
This is mostly because for the last year or two I have written my posts on my phone, and that is a difficult and frustrating activity, so it invariably is put down before I finish. Smartphones are pants. I know I am  not the first person so come to this conclusion, and I also know they are supposedly good for some things, but smartphones are pants. I am not surprised to learn that the sales of smartphones have been falling and stupidphones are rising once more, consistent and finite in their uses.
I haven't exactly gotten rid of my smartphone yet. Actually it has something wrong with it, and while I decide whether to repair it or not (it is difficult to get rid of something that is still technically 'fine'), I am without any phone at all, which has been rather nice. The only thing I have missed is that my mother calls  me in the morning while she is waiting for her train, and Will calls me at lunchtime while he is on his break. I am rarely at home and when I am I am usually busy and don't answer the landline, so I have been missing out on these chats. I have also missed taking pictures of the girls to send to my mum and friend in Canada.
Actually when I thought about what I actually liked to use my phone for that was specific to it being a smartphone, there were few things. I have facebook but I don't like it. I use the messenger to keep in touch with the girls I run the baby group with, but Will has fixed my laptop now so I can use that instead, and it won't always be beeping at me. I like Instagram, or I think I do. I follow  lots of gardeners and have learned a lot. But mostly it just makes me feel insecure because my life is disorganised and messy. And that's your lot. There is other stuff I use it for but can't claim to like it, or find it makes my life especially easier,  nicer... Actually I'm pretty sure using it so much has left me feeling stressed, anxious, and generally frazzled. And I know that because after 3 days without it, although I still feel slightly twitchy and like something is missing, I also feel, wait for it, less stressed!
So there we are, I've finally caught on. I knew it all along anyway, and it's the reason I came to smartphones so late in the game, but I still bought into it eventually and have had to learn my lesson.
My mum thinks she has a digital camera I can use. My laptop seems to be working well enough to check my emails and bank account. And I have a life to get on with that doesn't need to be regularly photographed and captioned.

Anyway, apart from that incredible revelation, not much is new. Ivy has  her induction for school today. I feel very upset about it and can't believe she will be starting in September. I am sure it is the right thing.. but it doesn't feel right. And I think truly if she were not going to a welsh language school I would wait a year, but I am keen for her to start as soon as possible to make the transition to welsh language easier.
Our garden goes on, as well as one that has not seen sunlight since last year can. We are getting a good amount of veg from it, but the more tender vegetables are doing as close to nothing as they can without actually dying. But, we didn't buy any vegetables last week, so that is a positive.
Actually, when I did our food shop I tried to buy as close to a months worth of food as I could, and in some cases more than a months, dried beans etc, because I am sick to death of shopping. It's boring for the kids, and I have started doing it when I'm bored rather than actually thinking of something constructive or interesting to do. The result is spending more, eating more, wasting more. Well I don't really want to do any of those things. I am hoping that stockpiling at the start of the month will keep me away from shops and get me out of the habit of thinking, oh we need this, we need that, and just using what we have instead, especially since all the fresh food (except for fruit) is in the garden.

I can't share any recent pictures, so here is one taken in our garden on the outskirts of London a few years ago, at the time when I started this blog and we really cared about and worked at keeping things simple.

Down in the dumps

Well I have been a bit lately to be honest. Feeling a bit directionless, and I can't really figure out why because when I take stock everything seems to be going okay. But lately I've felt like I'm losing interest in everything, like I've run out of steam, used up my quota of enthusiasm.
I enjoy it while I'm there, but never want to go and do the baby group that I'm now tied to doing. The garden and growing veg is going well, mostly, but some nights i go to bed and wonder if or why I even like gardening. I'm anxious all the time and my health hasn't improved in the way I'd hoped it would and in not sure where to look for help, which is strange as I've always been pretty sure I knew how to be healthy, and feel healthy. How do you break out of a cycle of apathy? Maybe we just need some nice weather (and a good night's sleep!)
Enough of that, anyway. We've been doing a few bits and bobs in the the house. Will seems to have had a little change to his tastes and has been going

No pressure

It seems this blog is becoming more of a monthly affair, but there we are, it is what it is. Actually, i have been thinking about the blog a lot lately, and without wanting to state the obvious, it has rather rumbled to a halt. I enjoy my life greatly, but nothing much changes to be honest, that is how I like it. We look after the kids, work in the garden and plan on making all sorts of things while rarely getting round to it. There seems a lot less to write about these days. I am not going to close the blog, but I am certainly going to taken the pressure off myself updating it frequently. There, it's off. Moving on!

Where has spring gone? I thought I saw it, but no sign of it around here now. 

We are busy as ever. It doesn't really feel like living slow at the moment, actually, more just constantly jogging on a treadmill. Keeping up (but only just) and starting to feel a bit worn out. I'm looking forward to the weather settling so I can let these girls out in the garden to occupy themselves. 

Yesterday was the first new session of the baby and toddler group we are running, and all went well. I missed the regular Wednesday group as had to have a load of tests on my eyes as they went a bit strange. To my shame, after an hour and a half of tests it turns out that I am dehydrated. Apparently if you don't drink, bits of you go wobblybob! Lesson learned, hopefully.

The garden is, well, surviving. We will not be self sufficient this year, but as time goes by we learn more and are becoming more organised, and I hope still that we will have a lot of success. It is a satisfying and rewarding hobby.
Today we had a lovely walk in local woods, a few minutes walk from our house. We went armed with rubber gloves and picked a whole load of nettle tips, and I made my first ever nettle soup. Lovely, and free! And it's true, it is just like (stingy) spinach.
As ever we are busy picking away at the house. As fast as we fix things they fall apart again, but I am trying to learn to let go a bit. So much of being happy is to change what you can and accept what you can't, and know the difference. 

That's all for today. I hope everyone has a lovely weekend. 

Easter sunshine

Another week has gone by, and although lovely feels as though this one s filled with bouncing here and there.
We visited my mum in deepest darkest England for the Easter weekend and had a lovely time catching up. Mum was able to spend some really good time with the girls, and we had an Easter egg hunt in the garden on Sunday. I wish that there was a way we could live closer to one another  and I do strongly feel my mums absence. More so than less as time goes by.

After a long journey home on Monday we spent the afternoon unpacking and settling in again, and then the evening enjoying the last of the sun at the park.
Yesterday we had friends visiting for Easter. Although the weather was cooler it was still lovely enough that we spent the whole time in the garden and had lunch at the outside table. To save cooking time I just made a salad and flower fritters. In the heart some of my chard and perpetual spinach has started to bolt so I nipped off the tops and used the baby leaves for the salad. Of course the garlic flowers and dandelions were from the garden as well. I can't wait for the garden to really start producing in a couple of months, and I hope that of we are organised and plan ahead we can keep the harvest going the year round after that.
That's all now.  I don't have time to check for autocorrect mishaps so apologies for any that turn up!

Put your money where your mouth is

I have a stack of unfinished and abandoned drafts for posts stacking up, today I am determined to hit that publish button  so I'll keep it short but sweet.
Life carries on here in the valleys in much the same way as ever. I seem to be getting more busy rather than less, but am trying to work on appreciating rather than resenting this.
From September I will be taking over running the local baby and toddler group alongside a couple of other mums, and in addition to the two days a week we currently do, a nursery in the next village has asked us to do a day with them as well. We are having a bit of an overlap so that the previous girls can show us how it all works, so that is a responsibility that I am enjoying but also means that I am fixed two, and soon three, days a week which is a little odd. We have been thinking about positive changes we would like to make to the group to encourage more people to come, and one of the things we have been working on is sorting out an outdoor space for the kids to use in summer. I ran my first activity with the kids this week which we all really enjoyed, and I am looking forward to coming up with more ideas. I feel a little overwhelmed by it and if I'm honest am having to fight the urge to back out and run away as it feels like a commitment I don't have the energy for at the moment, but I think I need to remind myself about something I was complaining about a couple of posts ago, and that's lack of community. If we want it, we have to make it, you certainly can't expect other people to sort everything out for you. Anyway, that's enough on that.
Apart from the toddler group we have been getting on with the odd bits of gardening, not as much as I'd hoped or planned for this year, but that's inevitable with a baby and a toddler! Nevertheless my greenhouse is slowly becoming reassuringly green and this summer we will certainly have something to show, even if we aren't self sufficient.
The weather continues very nice here. When we moved here two years ago it was winter  and I remember a taxi driver said to will, just wait, the village really comes into its own when the sun shines, and he was right. I can put up with the months of gloom for these golden hills.
I still haven't managed to actually knit or sew anything else yet, though I've bought a book of rather ambitious knitting patterns, and have had half an eye out on charity shops for some old linen or curtains I like for a skirt  so watch this space. Now the usual, better than my rambly words  here are some photos from the last few weeks.

I did it!

A good weekend

I know I so rarely update this blog anymore that it seems a bit out of the blue to talk about a good weekend, but you have to start somewhere.
Actually, oddly I was in a foul mood all weekend (the reason isn't odd , that's sleep deprivation, I mean it's odd that it was a good weekend), but we did a lot of different things, the weather was wonderful, and it felt like we got some of our old energy back. I think a lot of this s down to will making an extra effort to think of activities for us to do as I've been so ill and tired lately, and then that energy is contagious, isn't it.
We spent a fair bit of time out in the garden  though didn't really get that much done  just a few small jobs. I cut back the woody herbs and had so many that I made a wreath for the door. We are planning to buy a dehydrator this year and go into properly preserving our herbs, among other things. We did a little spring cleaning  though things don't look all that different thanks to the girls! I made an Easter present for family with dandelions, so we went around picking those in our and our neighbours'gardens which ivy lived  and I felt very proud that she knew the difference between dandelion and celandine  Will and ivy split some of the snowdrops and planted them by the stream for next year  I made an enormous banana cake with four black bananas that have been hanging around for too long. I feel like I'm getting the hang of gluten free baking now and have managed a few cakes without recipes (which I think have been better than recipes I've followed!)
We also find time

Tidying up

Myself, that is .The way you look is important, not necessarily for other people, although I think it's respectful to keep yourself smart for the people you are with, but for yourself. I know that when I look untidy I feel untidy. So this month has been another buy more rather than less month, but I have to be honest, the difference it has made to my self esteem has been huge. Also I will add that I have updated my wardrobe entirely with second hand clothes and shoes.

Of one sort or another

Greenhouses, that is.
The sun shon on us today and will managed to finish off our polytunnel, and I must say it's very exciting. Now just a bit of digging, some more manure and some good warm weather, and we'll be laughing!

 The other is my greenhouse within a greenhouse. My seedlings are looking a little leggy, there just isn't enough light in the house this time of year, so I have relocated some to a mini greenhouse inside my big greenhouse. They'll either make it or not, time will tell.

 Today has been a quietly busy day again  We visited my friends farm to collect a couple more bootfuls of manure. We still need more but we're getting there. Not the nicest work, but find me somewhere with a better view! (actually i don't mind the work either to be honest)

 And here are a few snaps around the garden  which if not thriving is at least surviving!

And finally some 'produce'  - a big word for what I'm about to show you!

Spinach and chard! (yes, still!) not too be sniffed at, as these lovely leaves have kept me in green smoothies every single day for the last 3 months, and still going strong 

 And good old reliable radishes. These went into my lunch the other day.