Day off

 Maybe I will paint a watercolour of the sea

Maybe I will laugh at, and then cook a brown recipe from a 70s cookbook

Maybe I will rediscover Myspace

Maybe I will go for the longest walk

Maybe I will worry about the past and future and fleas and money

Maybe I will go someplace new, maybe with a shingle beach

Maybe I will put nearly everything that's mine into binbags

A good and different week

 I don't have any photographs for this post as I am still in the process of divorcing my smartphone and switching over to using the classic camera/laptop combo which worked so well for years. Getting there though. this week I have installed the things I need on my laptop so that I can get rid of my smartphone, and just need to copy over my phone numbers etc, and then I can cut ties completely - feels good! I've been all talk for so long, hating smartphones but having one, hating social media but using it. What kind of discord have I been inflicting on myself all these years, doing something that I know is so harmful to myself?

We are in the middle of my second week of work. I am working three days a week, so the last day of my week will be tomorrow. It has been strange and interesting going back to work. At the moment I am doing loads of training, and the real work hasn't begun yet, which is quite daunting as I know when it does the pressure will really be on. But in this last week and a half I have felt a part of my old self stirring inside me which I thought I had lost. My best self who was confident and positive, and got stuff done, because it needed to get done. In the last couple of years my mind has got fat, my body has got fat, and I have lost any motivation to be better. I have been tired, and snappy with my family, grumpy and burdened. Sighing every time I heard one of the girls call 'Mummyyy' through the house, and despairing at the monotony of doing the same chores every day. In a quiet and secret way I have come to resent my life, and I know it wasn't always so. 

Covid and all the came with it marked the beginning of 2020. We are coming up to Christmas now, and I say this change, this personal change marks the end of the worst two years of my life. That is gone. I am not going to be doing that any more. 

So in the spirit of new beginnings and starting as you mean to go on, on Monday I went for a run. I did go running a handful of times last year, probably about this time of year, but I haven't been consistent with it in years. It used to be one of my great pleasures and I often miss it. I am overweight and it is hard. But being overweight is uncomfortable too, so I am quite used to doing uncomfortable things. I enjoyed my run so much on Monday that I went again yesterday for twice as far. I am sore today. But I feel happy (ish) and intend to make it a part of my work day routine - work until lunch time, go for a run, collect the girls from school. 

I have been knitting and crocheting a lot, trying to make little gifts for Christmas, which I am hyper aware is coming up fast. A friend of mine is starting up a casual stitch and bitch which I am really looking forward to. 

I have been for a couple of sea swims this week and am still so enjoying that connection with the water, and I am intending to go again at the weekend. I think I need to go more often, even if it is by myself and just for 10 minutes, and I want to keep my tolerance to the cold as we come into winter. 

Today I am going to get up and about, on my very sore legs, and get this house ship shape. It's just a house. Anyone can tidy a house, and I've been making excuses for my laziness for too long. I don't want to be a victim. I have everything I need in my life, and I have the power to make things better for everyone. Onwards and upwards.

Knitty gritty

 Last night I finally finished the two jumpers for the girls. I usually knit them both at the same time when I am making the girls garments, to make it fair so they are ready at the same time, and honestly I hate it, and need to remind myself that I hate it next time. Knitting four sleeves one after another is one of the most tedious things I have ever done.

But anyway, they are finished, and although a bit roomy, the girls will grow, and the jumpers are lovely and warm.

My knitting technique has really improved and I am a lot more confident following patterns now.

I knitted ivy a pair of mittens from super fluffy yarn last week and was surprised to find that it was easy.

I have also learned that actually I don't particularly like knitting. Little projects are fine. A jumper is too dull for words and takes too long, so I think it's back to crochet for a while for me now. 

I start work on Tuesday. I am nervous and conflicted. But apparently we live in a time now where being a full stay at home parent isn't really possible, no matter how bloody frugal you are. So onwards and upwards. 

 I have a crisis bubbling up inside of me

Paring back

 I'm not sure what I want. 

This morning, idly looking at a jar of hawthorne jam made in 2017 on our kitchen counter, I began thinking about that first year that we lived in Cwmgors. Our first home that we bought together. Ivy was just a baby, so the only home that she would ever know. Where our next child would be born. Where we would begin our new lives. We were so full of hope and spirit then. I was 26 and this was just the beginning. And for the next little while, despite some hurdles and worries, we were happy. We had big plans for the house and garden and did lots of them; perfected our little bubble. I went out for walks in the hills and admired all of the moss and lichen and fell more and more in love with this damp country.

And I think about what it was that we wanted back then, and how we made our decisions. And it feels now that our life has become so ruled by worries, and by stuff, and by being 'overwhelmed'. Yet when we lived in our damp house in the country with babies and a to do list as long as the garden, I never would have called myself overwhelmed. Busy, yes, but never overwhelmed. 

And what I really want now, in our not so new house, is to get that feeling back. Excitement and possibility, and freedom really. It only takes the littles thing now to make me feel trapped, and I don't know why. Was it the heartbreak from the move? The lockdowns? Lost friends, lost confidence? I don't know. And I don't know how to get that feeling of simplicity and freedom back, but I think the first and most obvious way, is stuff. We are a family of four and our children are getting bigger all of the time, so we have stuff. An amount of stuff is fine as long as it's useful and not broken. So that's what I want to do, is go through the house, find the energy to separate what is useful from what is not, what gives us freedom and what traps us. It is something I have been threatening to do since Hazel started reception, and I mustn't put it off anymore. I have become so tired. I can't get out of bed in the morning. I can't get anything done. I am lethargic. I let worry rule my life.

The timing is apt, if not essential, as I have news. It looks like I will be taking on some paid work. This isn't something I had ever planned to do, and have only considered it in a half hearted sort of way in recent months with all of the cost of living stuff. But I have been offered a job, it is something I think I can do, and it will be a great help in difficult times. It will be an adjustment and I am going to have to make a great effort to ensure it doesn't interfere with our family life, and that I am still able to be a housewife as well. So you see a great deal need to change and simplify. 

I am also excited because we are going to try a new church this week. We haven't been to church yet since moving, and it is something Will especially hasn't been sure about. But I know that it is the right thing to do, and I feel called to go. I feel that I can't not go anymore. 

I am in a difficult place at the moment really. I wish more than anything that there was some kind of community that I could lean on. But I also feel that myself, and those who want it, are building it all the time. My friend has recently started up a women's group, which I had joined. We met last week and swam in the freezing sea, and I didn't feel alone. 

It must be time for me to go now. Get out some bin bags and sort my life out. Make things easier. This worship of stuff, of leisure. It's so harmful. 

Some thoughts on stuff

 I had a thought last night about social media, which although not particularly profound or original, felt quite shocking to me.

If you disregard all of the things that social media, let's say facebook, is 'useful' for - buying and selling second hand things, getting in touch with companies and tradespeople, finding out about local goings on, keeping in contact with friends and neighbours etc etc. This is all stuff that existed and which we were able to do before social media. So if we disregard all of that, what it exists for, what keeps it going, are these two things:

1. Provides a platform on which to perform, create 'content', to be watched

2. To watch

Both of these things are unnatural and unhealthy. They will lead to comparing your life, your real life, to a choreographed product, and eventually massive mental distress. If you are the watcher then not only to do you have the stress of comparing your own unglamorous life to others, but there is also the additional layer of living vicariously though what other people are doing, rather than putting energy and love into your own life. 

I could go on and on,  but anybody who has ever experienced social media will already recognise all of this, and how, at best, exhausting it is. So I have come off of social media,  not for the first time, but hopefully the last. I am happy to keep this blog as I enjoy writing it, I enjoy reading thoughtful, put together posts from other people, but I can no longer stand super fast paced platforms like instagram where you are bombarded with 30 thoughts a minute, snapshots of peoples' perfect lives and perfect achievements. 

I am lucky to have such a beautiful life, beautiful home, beautiful family, None of these things are perfect. I have peeling wallpaper and mess and arguments and I am late for things. 

Anyway, that's that. Hopefully a line can be drawn and I have one less thing to feel anxious about. 

I have been knitting a jumper for one of the girls. I'm not sure which one, as Will is also going to knit a jumper with the same wool, and they can have one each. I have been working hard to improve my knitting technique and am really pleased with how this is going. I have nearly finished the front now, so will just have the sleeves and neckline to complete. After that I have a lot of project I have to get to work on for the girls' winter clothes, and for Christmas presents. I've left it all too late really - next year I am starting in January. 

The girls and I have been decorating our window for Halloween. they have loved it, and keep adding to it, and Ivy tells me every time somebody passes it and it makes them smile. She is getting such pleasure out of knowing that it is cheering other people up.

I went shopping yesterday and got a bit overwhelmed by all of the Christmas and Halloween stuff everywhere. It's such a conflict, because my initial reaction when I see a costume or something is to look at it for the girls. Especially this year, I then conclude that we can't afford it. Then I feel fed up that I haven't got the money to buy nice things for the girls. Then I feel resentful that it is 'the norm' to buy all of these costumes and decorations and keep spending spending spending on cheap crap, made by slaves, which is destined for landfill. Then I feel dismayed that neither I, nor anybody I know really has the skills to make costumes etc. The whole thing is pretty deflating. But as always, the answer is to seize power. I can improve my skill at making things. I can go around charity shops and cobble together a few pieces and make alterations. I can talk to the girls about what they actually want to do /wear for halloween. We don't have to feel poor. The girls have had the loveliest time making window decorations from sugar paper we had in the cupboard.

I sold a couple of things in the last couple of weeks - the big cat tower and a pair of doc martens, which between theme came to about £85. I'm sure I could find more to sell, which will have the dual benefit of a little extra  money and less stuff to worry about. The cats instead have a box, which to be honest I think they like better anyway, of course.

I may have mentioned already but we made some hedgerow syrup for winter coughs and sniffles. I have also been making a few batches of jellies and jams. so far we have had all of the fruit foraged or given to us, and all of the jars either saved, found or given to us by people, so the only thing we have had to buy is sugar, which thankfully is still cheap.

Time for me to go now anyway. I've been in a bit of a funk and just don't seem to be getting anywhere, but we are seeing family at the weekend and I'm tied up all day tomorrow, so today must be a day of laundry, cleaning and baking. 

I hope everyone is feeling better than I am. I hope that these hard times will bring about a cultural change where we are all able to make ourselves useful to be other, rather than living such insular mixed up lives. Perhaps this is the start of a new era.

Changing season

 

Today I am a wild creature, and tomorrow I will be lost again

 I went for a walk this afternoon and came back feeling like I had so much to write. Now that I'm here I find that I don't have so much to say after all. 

I feel and hope that I am finally pulling myself up and out of this dreadful depression. I have been so sad and so dead for years, since all of the lockdown stuff, and the move, and now mum's illness, and every worry in the world. I have lost my ability to live in the moment, enjoy my family and my children and my life. And now I feel as though I have begun to wake up, it is years later, and I can never retrieve all of that lost time. But I finally feel some strength to live properly now. 

I have written off this week socially as I have so much to catch up on with and by myself. As always there is housework and decluttering, something I hope won't always dominate my time so much. This morning I bottle up the red wine we made and cleaned out the winemaking equipment ready for when we do the apple wine, and I have made a huge batch of crab apple and haw jelly, which I am praying sets this time, as last time is failed to. I am wondering now if our electric stove just cannot boil the jelly as vigorously as it needs to, as I have never struggled in the past. I have a bowl of rosehips and crab apples on the counter waiting for me to process and make up another batch of jelly tomorrow. 

I have decided to do my very best to take myself out for a walk every day, or near enough. I need it for my sanity. I find that the only time I can fully unravel my thoughts and process all that has happened is when I am marching it out. Today I walked a couple of miles along the beach and back through the park, and I listening to Patrick Wolf. I saw a sailboat out to sea, jib flapping and mast swaying. The weather is changing now. I so wanted to be out, on or in that water. 

Every day so much happened. Hundreds of little exchanges, little humiliations, little joys. It's overwhelming.

It's been such an adventure these last few years. So many changes, so many traumas. It's a cliche to say it but I have no idea these days who I am or who I am supposed to be. How do you get back to yourself? I wonder if a few walks and a little time in my own company might answer some questions.

Stuff

 I've been spreading myself a bit thin lately, and I'm feeling it, so the plan now it to, as far as possible, slow down and put my energies into my home now with autumn and winter fast approaching.

I have a list of jobs that desperately need doing, and honestly the house is in as much of a pickle as ever. Add to that not enough sleep and huge anxiety...yes, it's time to get back home.

It was my birthday last week. My mum gave me a voucher for Joe browns and I bought myself a new blouse and a dress, which was a big treat. We spent the weekend before my birthday foraging and making winter syrup, then on my birthday will took the day off work and we had chips on the beach and a walk. 

My lovely friends gave me some gifts from their garden, and made me realise how much I miss that abundance-next year I must make the garden into a space that I can grow things in. 

On Monday I did a very silly thing, and swam out to our mooring to retrieve our dinghy, which was left behind after moving our yacht to a marina for winter. Its not the sort of thing I would ever usually do, and after the event now I'm not sure what possessed me. It was difficult and frightening, and I feel an overwhelming sense of achievement now which I think will last several years; long enough that I won't have to be brave again any time soon. 

I have a busy week now socially and then we are away this weekend, and next, but I am determined to get back to the house and family now. 

Finish on a high

 We had a great sail yesterday which was a lovely end to the summer. We entered our first race, and although I'm sure we lost spectacularly, we completed the course and had a great time and some really good experience. After a couple of wobbly outings over the summer it was a really nice way to end the season. We are so lucky to have this chance to get out on the water, there is nothing like it. 

I had a bit of a crazy week in the house having a bit rearrange of the rooms. Maybe I mentioned in my last post about no longer wanting to having a studio in the house; lots of nuanced reasons. Anyway, I spent Wednesday and thursday sorting out the cupboards in the studio, which made realise the whole situation doeant work, and it is nothing but ridiculous and self indulgent to own that volume of stuff, dedicated to making art, something I so rarely do.

After a bit of a clear out (there'll be more to follow), I took the fireplace out of the room and started hefting furniture about. Once I have finished clearing up we will have a really nice back sitting room/piano room.

I had to dismantle my work desk to do this. Will made it for me to fit my studio in the old garden, and I couldn't bear to leave it. I have always loved it, and in a way its been a bit of a symbol of Will's kindness and support. It was quite emotional taking it down. He had helped me to do everything I ever wanted to do, even if it was silly or selfish. 

I feel really strongly now more than ever that I just need to devote myself to will and the girls and the house, and create a really good, beautiful situation for us all to live in. 

Taking back power

This week is still very much about just trying to adjust to the girls being out all day and finding a new routine. I had all these hopes that I would hit the ground running and find some incredible inner energy that I could harness to get my life straight in 3 days, but it hasn't quite happened like that. I am in a bit of a slump. I am picking away at jobs that never seem to be finished. I need to write some lists that I can tick off. And I need to keep the faith that if you keep working hard, eventually you see results. 

Today the job I have made for myself is to completely empty and sort through the four built in cupboards in my studio, which holds most of the house's chaos. There are a few areas like that which never really got sorted after the moved, just unpacked and hidden away. There could be anything in there. This is a large house with lots of storage, there is no reason that everything should have a home, and that I should be able to lay my hands on things at a moment's notice. 

Money is also the subject of the moment, as I'm sure it is for many people. Our boat storage arrangement from last winter is no longer an option, which means that we now have no choice but to put it in a marina. Marinas are expensive, and honestly this is something I could do without. But it is important to work with the situation in front of you, which is what I am going to do. I have cancelled the girls swimming lessons. They can pretty much swim now and just need practice. The money would be better saved instead for us to go swimming as a family sometimes at the local pool. I used to take Hazel swimming while ivy was in her lesson, or else take them both to soft play. The cost of swimming has now nearly doubled since before the holidays, so that is another expense I can do without. I have cancelled the girls yoga session also, which if I'm honest Hazel was really too young for and was often more pain than pleasure, and will has also stopped going to his yoga session as he doesn't feel he needs it any more. He has also stopped going to his drumming circle as he has found a group he likes to play music with, for free, on a Saturday instead. Between all of these things we worked out we are now saving about £170 a month, a enormous sum. The girls are still taking their ballet class once a week as they get a lot from that, although it is expensive. 

I am changing the way I do my food shopping. I have more time to think about it and plan ahead, and now will be doing a monthly pantry shop, and then plan to just top up on veg once a week when we need it. Will and I are going to just have one cup of tea a day and have said to Hazel to stop drinking milk as buying so much oat milk is one of our biggest grocery expenses. 

I am doing more batch cooking and making good use of our slow cooker. I am baking snacks for the girls lunchboxes. We are making our own wine, and I have made 20 odd jars of jam, and will be making more from apples we got for free. We are making the most of foraging where we can. We have been bringing home the odd bit of wood to dry for the stove. I have a couple of things I can sell and hopefully put a little bit of money by, just in case. 

I have been pouring through old recipe and housekeeping books, and studying wartime leaflets and books on thrifty living. This is not the most hard up the nation has ever been, just the most spoilt. In short, we will not be dragged down. 

 

Now it is a beautiful sunny morning, I am sat  in our little garden. I can hear the children playing at the school someone hammering, and if I stay really still I think I can hear the sea. I am not hungry or thirsty, and I am grateful. 
 

Digging for victory

My phone is being especially dicky so we'll see how well this goes. 

Today was the girls' first day back at school, and hazels first day full time, which means that I will now have 6 of my own hours every day. I felt quite rudderless straight after dropping them off, and just made a coffee and stared onto space for a few minutes, the weight of that time pressing down on me. It didn't take long however for me to have a look around and see how much housework there was to get on with. And it was only after I began that I truly realised that getting this house in order is something that will take me weeks of solid work, not days. That's fine, I'm glad to have a focus, and something that is so good for the family. 

I spend today cleaning the kitchen, lounge and bathroom, fairly superficially really. I will go through the whole house like this making it comfortable, then phase two, beginning next week, will see me going through everything and getting rid of the whole bloody lot of it. 

The house already feels better, and though by the time I picked up the girls I was tired, I didn't feel like I had a whole load to carry on with once they were about. Instead after school we made pizzas and talked about the day. Now they are in the garden and I am having a ten minute rest. 

As I had planned, last week I dug up a chunk of the garden to use for vegetable beds. My neighbour keeps horses and let me help myself to some manure, so the only thing I have had to buy is some netting to keep the cats from using it as a toilet. Sadly it hasn't stopped then lying on my chard seedlings and squashing them flat. The space doesn't amount to much but I think with pots as well next year, and some careful planning, it will be a job worth doing. 

 

I'm doing the best I can

 It's been a busy couple of weeks. Last week we went camping for the first time as a family, and had a great time. We found a lovely, quiet site 20 minutes from here, which was also within budget. I hope we'll get a chance to go again this month but I'm not sure we will yet. Camping is great because you are reminded of how little you need just to get on.

At the weekend we went to England and spent a few hours going through wills grandparents house, as they have both passed on now. We brought home his granddad's knitting machines, which at the moment look a bit daunting but which I am sure we can get the hang of. Also a lot of other useful things that we needed-some good cookbooks, tools, jam jars, a pair of wellies for me, tea towels, a toaster. A lid of things we have been needing for a while but haven't had the spare cash for.

Although quite a sombre morning, it's so enlightening and exciting to see how well and how simply Will's grandparents lived. Most of their things were old and well used, they didn't buy new things for the sake of it, they used what they had and used it well. They both had a lot of hobbies and skills, but they didn't have stacks of stuff that went unused. They lived long, and well. There is a lot we can learn from their lives.

When the girls go back to school on Wednesday I am going to begin my major sort out of this house. Many things have never really been sorted out or put in a proper home since we moved last year. Really, I haven't been organised in about six years, since I've been a mother, it's all been saved for later. I think having a huge clear out, finding a home for everything, and getting this house really clean will make all the difference to this bloody awful depression, as well as saving us all time, money and energy. And once I have sorted all of that out I can get back to decorating this house and making it really pleasant. I'm actually really excited, I can already feel the relief this is going to bring.

In these hard times

 We work harder

I can't believe there are actually people saying the price rises are media hype, but there are. The money doesn't go as far. I'm not sure what we are going to do. I'm not sure where else we can save. I'm not sure what will happen when we renegotiate or mortgage next year and the interest rates have shot up. It's so impossible to see even a few months into the future now. Everything that felt secure isn't.

I am going to dig up some of our tiny garden and plant a victory garden. I hope it I can do that on the cheap/free it may help with some of the food costs. I need to get into batch cooking and being really organised. I will completely quit drinking, it was minimal anyway. I won't use the tumble dryer and will try to do less laundry. I don't know what else we can do. 

 Nobody is having the best time right now. The cost of lockdown crisis is beginning to take its toll on us. I do worry about it and how it is going to get worse. We have gone from being comfortable to not all that comfortable already and need to make some changes. That's okay, we are adaptable. What really upsets me every day is that we, and so many other people knew this would happen. objected to lockdowns and the so called covid response, tried to get people to see how stupid, pointless and damaging it all was, and were just, and still are, shouted down for our views. Lost friends. 

We couldn't tolerate the lockdowns, they really ruined things for us. In a way freed us because we were forced to see the cracks in our lives that were already there. We sold our house, chucked away the dream because it became a symbol of loneliness. I think a lot of people seemed to enjoy it though. Said as much. Said that they didn't like socialising anyway so this got them off the hook. Didn't like their jobs anyway so it was a blessing to have to stay at home. Liked wearing masks because people didn't talk to them at much. Just stay at home, watching telly and getting fatter. Get jabbed. Comply. How bad were they feeling before if this life was better? But still I do blame people, even people i know and love very much, and now we are all lying in the bed they made. 

Changing seasons

 In cwmgors the year and what we filled it with was so dictated by the seasons, and not just four of them, dozens of micro seasons. When you garden you notice every little difference and are always alert to the breath of change on the breeze.

It's different being back in the city. It creeps up on you more. Its not summer, and then it suddenly is summer. It's nowhere near autumn yet, but then soon it suddenly will be, very definitely, autumn. 

I do miss all of the gardening, all of that time outdoors just taking it in. Looking at every little plant, every little change in the space. I wonder if there is a way you can stay alert to it all while living in town. 

I've been crocheting again after a little break. I actually have a few things on the horizon I want to make. It's keeping me busy and I still find it so theraputic. It would be nice to find a knit and knatter or something to join at some point. Hazel goes to school all day in September and that really will be a big change. I have gone so wrong in so many ways, how amazing it will be to get back to a good place.

I can't get too excited about knitting at the moment. I printed the pattern for a short sleeved jumper but lost interest before I'd even bought all of the needles I needed, and crocheted one with the wool instead. I have been working on a jumper for my mum this week, which had been a bit of a labour of love as I need to make it smaller still, and getting the right stitch count has been a fiddle, but I'm getting there I think. After that I have a bigger project lined up. 

I have been absent lately partly because I fell into the pit of despair again. I'm working on it. I seem to have stopped drinking which is interesting and a good thing, and have even started taking vitamins. Now if I just work on getting literally any exercise I should be on my way. 

New shoes

 I bought a new pair of shoes.

I made a real fuss about it and was a big baby. I need them for the wedding, I really don't have any smart enough. I resent having to buy them as i don't want to spend the money and don't need new shoes for any other day of the year. 

After traipsing around all of the shops I could think of yesterday and coming home empty handed, will sent me back in today, saying 'just get some espadrilles from marksies', so I did. I went for leopard print, which goes with nothing, so I figure also goes with everything. I hope they last. I've changed. 

Scrapbusting

 I think I am doing too much crochet and need to lay off a bit. I'm totally relying on keeping myself busy so I don't feel so anxious and upset, but I think it might be healthier if I let that go a bit. I don't know. 

I finished the little shrug/Cardigan to wear to a wedding next week. I'm pleased, generally, the pattern for the squares is lovely and I used a sort of unmercerized /loose weave cream cotton which has a really nice texture. It has come up a little bigger than I hoped for. The pattern was one size, and actually I was worried it would be too small. But anyway, it's fine, and I like the way it looks with the dress I dyed. 

We have been in our 'new' house one year, as of yesterday. It's been a bit of a full on year and it has flown by in lots of ways. I still have a lot of mixed up feelings about the move. I feel very guilty about not staying in touch with my old neighbours, but I have found it too painful and confusing. It's been easier just to have a clean start. I hope that I am not treating people badly. 

Our house is really coming on. Our area isn't perfect, but we love it. The house is nice and big. The weather here is great. The people are friendly. It is everything we could have wished for and more. Thank God. 

And one more, highly fashionable, crochet make. See what I mean about doing too much? It's a nice scrap busting top. Perfect to wear this summer with knee length skirts. I can see myself making another once I have recovered from tucking in the ends. 

I have been continuing trying to get back into the studio and working on my painting. I have lost a lot of my skill, but I have ideas I want to bring to life. I am working on two paintings at the moment, and it is being a pleasure working for myself without having either university, exhibitions or markets dictating how I work and what I make. I will share what I have been working on soon. 

Little potato

Got soaked on the two minute walk to school. Got in and made Hazel a hot water bottle, got her snuggled under a blanket. She asked me to put on the record of little potato, a song I used to sing to the girls when they were babies, and we shared a piece of marmite toast. Felt happier than I have in ages. The best things in life are free. 

 You're my little potato, you're my little potato,

You're my little potato, they dug you up,
You come from underground,

The world is big, so big, so very big
To you, it's new, it's new to you.

You're my little potato, you're my little potato,
You're my little potato, they dug you up,
You come from underground.

Let's talk about root crops (they dug you up),
And lamb chops (they chew on you),
And things to eat... like apples
And cheese and 'nanas and cream,
Jellies and butter,
It's late at night, I hope this little bottle helps you go to sleep.

They must have grown you wild,
You make a grown man a child,
I'll go and play in the mud
To be with you my spud (potato).
When you came out looking red as a beet,
You had wrinkles on the bottoms of your feet!

Oh, you are so sweet potato!
You're my sweet potato,
You're my sweet potato, dug you up
You come from underground.

You smile, a smile, a little smile
The world is small, so small, it's very small

You're my little potato, you're my little potato,
You're my little potato, they dug you up,
You come from underground

You're my little potato, you're my little potato,
You're my little potato!

Mythologies

 I deleted Instagram off of my phone this week, just in case I wasn't flying under the radar enough as it is. I found that I was mindlessly browsing it more and more, hardly uploading anything, and when I was it was just because I felt I should. Rather than prompting me to get in the studio, I think it made me less creative as I felt I had to exclusively make things that were good enough for Instagram. And basically, among all of the various bad things going on, money troubles and loneliness, I know that social media is not the answer, and it's just aspirational poison.

Anyway that's probably enough of that.

I finished my niece's Cardigan yesterday so that's ready to wrap up and give to her for her birthday next week. I will make one for my other niece's birthday in September, and then my mum has asked me to make her another aran jumper ready for autumn, which I will enjoy.

I watched the film Viva by Anna biller this week. I've been meaning to watch it for years as I'm a big fan of the love witch. I find it so exciting when I come by a filmmaker or artist who has such a complete vision for their work, and I've never come across someone with so complete a vision as Anna biller. I enjoyed viva, I won't watch it again for a while and it was a bit long and all over the place, but it was so rich and visually beautiful, and uncanny. It is good when you find an artist you can be really jealous of. 

I am desperate to put more time into my painting, I am the queen of the half finished project. For the last year I have been working, and am still working, on a series of paintings. Maybe this year I can finally get my teeth into it and feel like I can call myself an artist again. 

Bargains

 Nearly at the end of our no spend /low spend month, but there is another to follow as we have the other half of that bill to pay, as well as hazels birthday in July and ivy's at the beginning of August. Sometimes it feels relentless and I have to remind myself that we are the lucky ones, we are not poor, we just have a big bill to pay that we hadn't accounted for. All we are is silly.

I have had one final unnecessary spend this month- I have been trying to knit and crochet just from my stash this month, which has been good, but I have been starting to run a bit low, and have completely run out of aran, so although I shouldn't have really I had a quick look on gumtree to see of anyone was selling any bundles. Luck would have it there was a lady selling two bin bags for £20,which included lots of aran and even a couple of nearly full 400g balls.

So I gave myself a break from my little niece's Cardigan and crocheted myself a Cardigan using one of the yokes I had already made. There wasn't quite enough of one colour so I did myself some fancy sleeves.

Now I must get on and finish my niece's Cardigan, although to be honest all there is left to do is the button band.

Will found us another bargain. When he was dropping off some rubble at the tip he hoiked a couple of concrete troughs out of the skip. We removed the rocks that were concreted across the top of our front wall, so this weekend will bolted the new troughs on instead. It's much friendlier.

Now I've got a day of housework ahead of me, I've let it get on top of me for too long. I distantly remember there was once a time when I had a clean house, and that felt good. 

Wish me luck. 

Studio time

 I've spent some time in the studio this week, trying to get it a bit tidier in there and also getting back to a bit of painting, it's been months.

I had a talk with Will this week about September when Hazel goes to school full time, and what my options are, and we have both decided that for now it is the best thing for me to stay at home. I have a lot of interests and need a bit of time to untwist after the last few years. I like being a housewife and we run smoothly as a family with one of us earning and the other running the house. I am hoping to get back into my art, maybe eventually look at showing again, or markets and I have also been wondering about making something to sell, either crochet or something new. 

Dyeing for something to talk about

 It's been a little quiet around here since the drama of the weekend.

We have a wedding to go to in a couple of weeks and I had an old dress I wanted to wear as it is comfortable, smart, quite unassuming, and it fits. It was also white. I knew I had a box of green dylon hanging around, and although the dress was polyester it did say on the box that polyester was fine you would just achieve a lighter shade. Fine. I put the dress in the wash with a white cotton cardi that had a coffee stain on. The cardi came out green, the dress came out grey. Oh.

So I had to break my no spend rule and spent £11 on a bottle of rit dyemore, which is especially for synthetic fabrics. That was fantastic, and although it did damage my dress a little, being essentially cooked, it has dyed really evenly and I will be able to wear it to this wedding now.

I didn't take a before picture, but you can imagine what a white dress looks like. 

I am really pleased, as I will be needing to buy shoes and dresses for the girls who keep insisting on growing, so didn't want to have to sort myself out too. I will try and find a nice pair of flat shoes at a charity shop. I can't be bothered with heels anymore. I am not a short lady anyway.

I have got a crochet project on the go but to be honest it's been a bit of a mistake. It's a vest top with panels of different patterns. I thought it would be a good quick in betweeny project, but I should have payed more attention to the pattern before I started, as as well as the interesting stitches there is also miles of plain dc fabric. I threw in the towel yesterday and have made a start on my little niece's Cardigan as that actually needs doing. I'll come back to the top.

I want and need to lose some weight, generally, and ideally before this wedding. I gained a clear two stone during lockdown, and have only lost half of that. I think with one thing and another I've found it hard to find the incentive. But now my joints are hurting and that's a pretty strong motivation to make a change. I have been trying to adapt my eating habits so I am not grazing but being better at sitting down to eat meals. I am really trying to drink plenty of water, which is one of my biggest issues as I usually exclusively drink coffee, and a little tea, and it's killing me. And I really want to fit in more exercise, in the house, and out walking. Watch this space, I hope if I can get my head sorted I might start to see improvement and feel better really soon.

Ttfn

The pride that comes before a fall

 A bit of a mixed (putting it mildly) sailing experience yesterday. We took the boat out first thing when all looked well, and sailed into the bay for about half an hour, hurrah-ing the weather and having an all round lovely time. Then the wind changed and we started to tilt. I lost my nerve and said we should turn back, we tacked and headed back towards land, but the wind was even stronger behind us and then we were really tilting. I lost the last bit of my nerve and sat on the floor reciting the story of Jesus' disciples waking him in the storm while Will took down the sails and motored us back. The sea by then was really choppy and by the time we got back it was hard going. Our mooring got caught on our keel so we couldn't tie ourselves up, or release our dingy. Will managed to make a bit of slack in the chain with the boat hook, then a wave smashed us and broke the rope on our dinghy, which floated of. Then we floated off. Will tried to catch the mooring and dropped the boat hook while saying I should dive in after the dinghy (fat chance). I managed to get the spare boat hook and snag the dinghy and will motored us back to the mooring. After that whole hoohah the sea was much to rough for us to get off the boat. We waited and waited until finally, luckily, the yacht club brought out the sailing dinghies for racing, and the lifeboat that comes with them. We flagged them over and they taxied us back to land.

It was all in all a funny experience which at the time was definitely the most stressful and traumatic of my life so far - I include childbirth and being chased by large cows with horns in this - but on reflection was just a whole load of bad luck, lack of skill and experience, and failure, mostly on my part, to keep a cool head. Sailing, like life, is a mixed bag. The main thing I learn from this is that you mustn't be afraid to do things. Even if you have a bad experience, life is made of ups and downs, and there will always be good times and bad times. What you can't do is just constant damage control. We learned from experience that this does nothing but make life small and frightening. 

Nice stripes

I finished the stripey Sweater Vest this morning. It was a lovely knit and well within my capabilities which is always nice. I quite fancy adapting it to adult size for myself. Maybe when I've not got any projects lined up. 

 I did offer this vest to my youngest, Hazel. She politely declined and said 'ivy can have all the vests...' She obviously hasn't inherited my fashion sense.

I'll probably get to work on a Cardigan for one of my little nieces next, her birthday is in three weeks, and I would like to make something each for the girls, but perhaps something they don't need like a big cushion or toy. That will have to wait until the end of our no spend month.

I am keen to keep improving my crochet, and especially knitting technique, and gain confidence following patterns, which is something I've always stumbled at. I've improved a lot in the last 6 months.

Ttfn