Catching my breath

Ah, so what has happened is I have dropped my computer and it is no longer working at all. My disused smartphone is also broken, so what this means is that I have unexpectedly been completely chucked off of the radar, which is quite interesting. I have my old button phone still, although no one really contacts me on that. I don't easy access at the moment to emails, no access to whatsapp, so things are very quiet indeed. Maybe time for a bit of a realign. I have told myself that I am going to look at my drinking again which is something I have threatened to do several times over the past few years without any real resolve. I will be back at some point and I will carry on my decluttering mission as much as I can in the mean time between working and school Easter holidays coming up.

Declutter day 22/??

 Not a lot of decluttering for the past few days as we've have visitors and honestly I'm worn out. 

Today I had a look in the cupboard under the stairs and pulled out a full bin bag of old shoes, unused wellies and the girls' too-small wet weather/snow gear.

Declutter day 16-17/??

 Dropped all of the stuff from this week off at the charity shop, but nothing out for the last couple of days. I have my Mum visiting and have been busy.

IN:

-Mixing bowl

-3x silicone kitchen utensils

Declutter day 15/??

Had a dream that I got rid of a whole load of cds - premonition?

OUT:

- Grey Koi Footwear platforms. One of two pairs I bought from a charity shop about a year ago, neither of which I have worn. Keeping one pair for now, for just in case. If I haven't worn them by the summer I'll probably ditch them too. The problem is that I am a tall girl who doesn't like to stand out, so although I like the idea of tall shoes, I never wear them for that reason.

- Small wooden pot with lid

- Two bin bags absolutely full of DVDs - maybe 200? 

We have a lot of DVDs, I've always enjoyed watching films and over the years we have just collected them and not been very ruthless about getting rid of them so I have had a big cull today. We still have what I consider to be too many - on counting, about 110 - and I have already said that I'll have another look through them another day and try to cut it down even more. We have a very slim DVD unit behind our lounge door - if they can all fit onto that comfortably then I think that is fine. At the moment we are about 20 over the limit. 

Before I decided to cull the DVDs though Will and I had a bit of a talk about it, and whether or not there really is a place in our life for watching films and telly at all. Will grew up without a TV at all. I had a telly and my mother was a working single parent so wasn't around a lot, so on the other end of the spectrum I watched a fair bit of telly growing up, and I got quite into films when I was a teenager. It's hard to decide how I feel about either of our upbringings when deciding what we want things to be like for the girls. On the one hand I think Will growing up without a telly maybe set him apart from his peers more, and as I already feel we are doing so much differently I am concerned about doing that any more with the girls. On the other hand, I can't really look back on any of the time I have spent watching T.V, either as a child or an adult, with any sense of satisfaction. For the past few years, probably mainly since lockdown, in the evenings more often than not we have watched a film, or gone through phases of watching different telly shows (at the moment it is Bergerac). I enjoy this at the time, and I enjoy the opportunity to relax, however in hindsight, even just looking to yesterday, it just feels like a massive waste of time. 

In reality maybe we don't really need to make any decisions anyway - the girls rarely watch telly, when we do it is usually as a family, sometimes a film on a rainy day, sometimes a nature documentary on Sunday afternoons when everyone is tired. Because the girls haven't seen much telly and because we have been careful about what we have shown them, they aren't completely desensitised to it so find quite a lot of films quite terrifying anyway, and don't deal well with mild peril. Something I did feel sure of though while I was doing this, is that I want us to be more careful, in the things we say and especially in the things we do, that we are living and showing a good example to the girls of our strong and confident values. When so much community has been lost and when so many people nowadays seem to live by such a vague set of morals, I think it is more important than ever to be the best example you can be to children. Anything we are watching or reading therefore that conflicts with the way we want to be living and raising the girls, in my opinion has to go. That was one of the criteria for decluttering our DVDs, and will be as I go through them again in a few days to get rid of the last few. 
In terms of Will and I, I think we both want to make the effort to do something in the evening besides watch telly - for me this could include working out our budget, making meals plans, catching up on my admin jobs, writing to do lists, having a tidy up before bed, reading a book, doing some exercise, playing a board game with Will, or working on a craft and listening to the radio.

Anyway, bit of a ramble today, to sum up:

OUT:

-Small wooden box

-1 Pair of shoes

-2 bin bags of DVDs

-4x books on sewing/quilting

-13x art books

-Pink beaded necklace

-Plastic document file

I might also tack on a bit of mental decluttering here - I have finally deleted, not just deactivated but fully deleted, my Instagram account. I began to feel like maybe I should try and 'get back into it' and post again. I'm looking for love and validation. Big red alarm bells there, you will not find these things on social media, so I thought, why am I hanging onto this at all? So there, it's gone.

Declutter day 14/??

Year of the comfy shoe.

Out:

Pair of Ivy's too small shoes

In:

Ordered a pair of pre-loved black Hotter shoes from Ebay. 

Going to have another look over my shoe situation as having a strong feeling I have grown out of wearing Doc Martens all the time and gravitating towards incredibly sensible footwear. 

Had a quick look, also Out:

- Black Birkenstock clogs. Absolute waste of money. Cost a fortune, have had them for years, only ever really worn them in the garden. Too ugly, even for me. 

- Brown Dr Martens Sandals. Just put in the charity bag, think maybe not really worth selling

- Black Dr Martens Sandals - Listed on ebay for £50, so we'll see. Ostentatiously expensive shoes, shouldn't be wearing them. 

Declutter day 13/??

 Only one thing out today and not my doing - Will was given a book recently which is of absolutely no interest to either of us, so that's out. 

Unfortunately I went to the library today and bought two second hand books - Ray Mears' autobiography and a Joanna Trollope for me.. But books don't really count, there's still space on the book shelves, and what this exercise is really about is getting rid of things I don't, won't or can't use ,and making the house easier to clean and keep clean. 

I have also ordered myself a pair of nearly new brown loafers from ebay - I realised that, as it is the way, almost all of my shoes are wearing out at once and my go to, every day, go with everything shoes are a pair of doc marten black lace-ups, which honestly I think I'm getting a little old for, and even they are getting tatty. 

I have vowed to go through my shoes and chuck out anything that has seen better days, and have also made the decision to sell my pink dr martens which have definitely had their day - I am not 22 any more, and every time I reach to put them on I think better of it because frankly a frumpy, knackered looking 32 year old mother wearing a long dress and a knitting cardi looks nothing short of ridiculous in bright pink doc martens. 

I'll probably sell them on ebay if on inspection they look in good enough condition. Next month I will probably order a nice sensible pair of flats from ebay, probably hotter, and that'll be that. I have a good pair of fly london boots. and perfectly good wellies, and more sandals than I can wear. 

Anyway, that's enough of that, shoes shoes shoes. 

Scratch that, I did it while I was thinking of it- 

OUT: 

- Pink doc martens (Bit worn about the toes, charity)

- White doc martens flats (Worn through soles, bin)

- Book about covid (Charity)

Declutter day 10-11-12/??

Missed a couple of days where I didn't do anything because I have been working hard at my job. I'm trying to have a bit of a realign, and start considering my work as a proper job, or even a career, rather than just some work that I am doing to make ends meet. It really really upsets me that I have had to give up my position as a full-time wife and mother. This was what I always wanted to be, and however hard up we were we always made it work and always saw the value in having someone looking after the home and the family full time rather than having extra money. Now that choice has been taken away from us, with the rising costs, although Will is earning more than ever, we literally can't make ends meet now without this extra income. I think I will go mad if I don't try and convince myself that it is at least in part my choice. So I am trying to throw myself into it, get better at the job and make myself indispensable. 

Today is a good day to get back into decluttering as I have been pretty morose. With the above, and also after visiting Mumbles today to see that they have done what they had been threatening to for a while - taken away all of the yachts and are 'redeveloping' the hardstanding. I was in Mumbles this morning because I was putting a sign on our little dinghy today marking it for sale. We can't really justify keeping it and paying or another year's parking for it - although I love to row I have so little time, so much less now that I have the job, I will never get a chance to do it. I don't know if the boat will sell any time soon, or at all. With the yachts gone from Mumbles there will be less demand for a tender, so time will tell. 

Nothing has come in to the house in the last few days. 

Out:

- 3x kitchen aprons - how many aprons do you need, honestly?

- Knackered frying pan

- Two jigsaw puzzles

- Dead orchid

- Book about garden conifers

- Book about sewing

- Book about DIY paint effects

- 7x bottles nail polish - it knackers my nails and I don't keep it up. And there's nothing really wrong with the actual colour of my nails. 

- Cull of tupperware cupboard resulting in half-laundry basket of tubs without a top or a bottom - how does that happen?

Other achievements today have included:

Snipping all of the dead bits off of some of my neglected half-dead house plants

Taking a big box and a big bag full to the charity shop

Making a weird sort of sushi-type roll out of raw courgette strips, salmon and tahini (btw I eat fish now - it was a health decision rather than a moral one, which I made after a lot of consideration and research about 8 months ago. It has improved my life)

Declutter day 9/??

Today I haven't decluttered a single thing because I worked quite a few more hours than I get paid for, which I am not planning to make a habit of. 

Tomorrow I will choose at least 2 things to get rid of to account for today. Now I need sleeps.

Sort yourself out day 4/??

I won't miss the days where I didn't do anything to sort out my life as I've had a cold so it doesn't count. 

Today I wrote out a long to do list, not just easy stuff either like clean toilet, hard stuff, phone calls and post office and all-sorts, and I COMPLETED IT. Might have it framed. 

Declutter day 8/??

Had a bit of a realisation this morning, which is that my hobbies have gotten completely out of hand. Extra money and extra time with the girls getting older has meant that I am able to hoard crafting supplies and I have gotten into the habit of busying myself with making something, usually crochet, at every available moment. I think one of the biggest reasons for this is also that we no longer have a large garden that takes a lot of my time in the day, and a lot of thinking and planning at other times. Although it sounds like a positive thing in some ways, being busy with crafts, I don't think it is because it has led me to be so much more sedentary. It has also led me to be buying and producing more Things, not all of which I need. It has given me more to think about, and apart from being a distraction and times of enormous stress, which I am glad for, I think it is more of a taker in some ways. It takes my time and resources. I'm not sure what to do about this because I need to find something, or several things to exchange it for. Exercise is an obvious one, which I both need more of and enjoy, but for the last couple of years, or since lockdown derailed my life really, I have found it difficult to find routine and structure in my days. 

I think having a really serious cull of my craft and art supplies and thinking about how I actually want to use my time on earth is going to be a good start. I don't look back on the year of evenings I spent making jumpers with much satisfaction. I go to a knitting group on a Wednesday evening which I really enjoy and will keep up with. Perhaps what I need to do is limit my crafting to that evening and perhaps one other in the house. Or just picking it up for 10-15 minutes as and when rather than sitting down in the evening with my crochet, and not moving until bed time. 

My mind keeps returning to those first few months in Cwmgors when we owned our own home for the first time. We really didn't have very much money at all, things were hard, but it was a new start and a time of so much freedom and trying new things, and becoming this whole new person really, someone who lived in the countryside and had Skills. And I got to have so many skills and life was so rich. Since moving life has become rich in different ways, ways that Cwmgors could not provide, but this part of my life, the essence of what I am, who I am, and what I do when I am not busy, that has gotten a bit lost. Something to think on I think. 

IN:

- Ordered kitchen timer. Could do with one for the kitchen anyway, and a couple people now have recommended I get one to help me with time management while I am in this dreadful depression

OUT:

- Big lagenlook-type blouse (Didn't wear this winter)

- Purple winter dress (didn't wear this winter)

- Summery trousers (don't wear trousers)

- Tunic thing (sleeveless)

- Homemade trousers (don't wear trousers)

- Jersey wrap-around dress (too short)

- Summery cover-up thing (I had two, you only need one)

- Lovely green summery dress (too big)

- Knife sharpener

Dropped of 5 bin bags of clothes etc at the recycling centre today. Feel lilke the house is already starting to look a bit emptier. It's taking a lot of my spare time sorting out like this but it will be so worth it and will save so much time for future me.

Declutter day 7/??

 I missed day 6 as I did absolutely nothing yesterday apart from nurse my cold. 

Today I am going to look at the kitchen

I have already had a wasteful but necessary purge of two of the kitchen cupboards and chucked out almost everything that isn't organic, and everything that only does your body harm. This has amounted to half a bin bag and a whole lot in the compost. Not technically decluttering as these are all consumables, but still important. 

- Half bin bag of odd socks/old knickers etc

- Dressing gown which has huge sentimental value but hasn't really fit in years

- 14 books

- Few bits of swimwear

- Ball of wool that escaped last week's cull

- 4 bottles nearly empty old perfume

- Pair of pajamas

- Hand knitted sweater vest

- Floral winter dress

- Two short sleeved blouses

- Two tunic type tops

- Winter skirt

- Big crochet jumper

- Massive knitted jumper

- 3 Big cardigans

- Knee length summer skirt

- Yellow pinafore dress

- Pink cotton jumper

- 2 Principles knee length skirts

- Lovely but totally worn out 70s maxi dress

- Box of false nails

- Empty/old bottles of creams and potions

- False eyelashes

- Two big necklaces

- Big bracelet

- Long corduroy skirt 

- 2x sweater vests

- Another tunic

- Pair of shorts

- Travel coffee cup

I read something online about minimizing/sorting out your house which said that you should always do so in the following order: 

-Declutter
-Organise
-Tidy
-Clean

There is no point doing it in any other order. You can go through this cycle again and again as many times as you like but always in this order. As I have discovered, if you have a house full of nonsense you can spend your life organizing it and cleaning it, but your house will never be tidy because there is just too much nonsense there. So for now I am living in messy, dusty chaos, but I am finally decluttering in earnest and will carry on in this way until it feels like enough. 

I have found that there is a whole category of stuff that I seem to hang onto for ego-related reasons. Artworks I've done, jumpers I've made. As though I want there to be some record of my achievements, even if they a) aren't really an achievement anyway or b) serve no fuction. I think this is something that has been drummed into me before, during and since art school, that I am a special flower and everything I touch is golden. It just isn't true, and I need to be mindful not to cling onto stuff as a memento from my glory days when I still was headed towards 'being someone'. 

Sort yourself out day 3/??

 Haven't done much that is good for me today. I did get up earlier than usual but didn't do anything with that time apart from journal a tiny bit as I felt too ill. Made the girls pancakes for breakfast. Then made today's project painting that little cupboard. 

Declutter day 5/??

It's been a sparse day of decluttering as I have a cold which wiped out my plans for hyper-productivity.

I did however paint a piece of furniture we found in the street a few months ago. It lives at the bottom of our stairs so is one of the first things I see in the morning, and as most street furniture finds are, was flaky teak veneer, 

I stripped off the veneer, sanded it, and painted with a few paints from the shed.

Out:

- Ivy's too small ballet shoes

- Ivy's too small ballet clothes

Sort yourself out day 2/??

- Got up early and had a turmeric tea, did 40 minutes of stretching & went to the shop before both girls were up

- 

Declutter day 4/??

 IN:

5 x kilner jars for making sauerkraut

OUT

- Wooden high-back chair (although technically haven't gotten rid of it as not sure what to do with it)

Sort yourself out day 1/??

 In the spirit of living better here I am also going to make some positive changes to my habits. I don't have a set list of things I want to change, but like the decluttering I want to be aware of opportunities for positive action all of the time. 

Here are the positive actions I took today: 

- Chucked out old bottles/out of date things/things I'll never use from bathroom, wiped down, pulled dead leaves off of plants while bath was running. 

- Cleared out my desk while Will did his ballet practice

Declutter day 3/??

Had a look through the DVDs thinking I would get rid a lot. but couldn't see any to give away. Not sure why, feels like maybe DVDs are all or nothing. Either you go totally digital and have none, or cling on to the physical world, which is what I'm naturally drawn to do. 

- Pair of girls too small snow gloves

- Draught excluder

- Flower broach/hair clip

- Small rug

- Jar of sea glass

- Camping light (dicky)

- Bottle of face cream

- 

IN

- Pair of hair crimpers (essential)

Another cardigan??

Yeah. 

This makes no sense at all but I had a few balls of this yarn hanging around and thought I may as well use them up as I wasn't that excited about the colours and couldn't remember why I bought them. 

I made this from a free pattern, which apart from the sleeves and the length which I went my own way with, turned out to be a really good pattern. I don't know the name of this stitch - I've used it before and it's really thick and thermal. 

This week I'm making the girls a pair of cat ears each so that they can go to school dressed as Wilbur for world book day. 

I need to make my brother a jumper which I had intended for Christmas, and the girls need a cardi each. 

Beyond that, this week I'm feeling like knitting and crochet are a massive waste of time and for the past year I've only become so obsessive about it because it's the only way I've worked out to cope with stress, but actually isn't helping at all because it is using up time that maybe I could be more productive with and also encouraging me to be sedentary in the evenings which ironically is sending my cancer-paranoia stress levels through the roof. 

 

I realise

 that these lists of things I've chucked out are going to be beyond dull, but when I'm feeling like I'm not making any progress they will help me a lot. 

Declutter day 2/??

- Broken pair of Doc Marten flats that I've tried to fix but didn't work

- Green suede hush puppies. too middle-aged and I only wear them about twice a year

- Metallic blue DMs - listed on eBay. Never wear, always wear black ones

- Another pair of slippers I trip up in

- Bottle of facial toner

- Lamp with broken shade

- Pair of wet-shoes

- Pair of worn Crocs  

- Hazel's old ballet shoes

- Hazel's old school bag

- One child's boot

- Glass fish bowl-thing

- Horseshoe shaped posy vase

- Purse

- Another scarf

- One mitten (will veto its twin when it turns up)

- 5 too-small-for-the-girls hats

Thought about giving away my lovely tile-top coffee table as all it does it collect Stuff, but instead decided that since we are Tidy People now, it won't do that, so have given it a sand and a paint and will put it in the lounge tomorrow

Declutter day 1/??

Some rubbish unfinished paintings

A scarf I found

A tankini top I hate

1 slipper (I'll get rid of its twin when I find it)

Bag of costume jewellery

Dress with tear in armpit

Green cardigan that I like but don't need

Vintage hat

Pumpkin shaped glass thing

3/4 bag fabric/scraps - my brief interest in sewing has left me for now

Another scarf

Bin bag of yarn I probably won't use

Bedjacket I knitted years ago and never wear because I'm not convalescing 

3 x glass tealight holders

Dead orchid & pot

Another scarf

Large broken plastic toy

Unused address book

Unused photo album

Natural blackcurrant seed face mask/scrub stuff

The yearly

Well it's that time of year again - my house is full of stuff and I am going to empty it. A bit, anyway. 

I am going to remove:

-anything broken

-anything unusued

-anything to do with a version of me that exists only in my fantasies

-anything to do with a version of me that is in the past

-anything the girls have grown out of

-anything where I have something else very similar

Every day I a going to remove at least one item, and as many as I have time for.

Yesterday we sent two bingbags of the girls clothes to the dump - one back of costumes they have grown out of, and one bag of clothes they have grown out of.

Areas I can easily sort through:

DVDs

Clothes

Records

Books

Kitchen stuff (pans, trays etc)

Shoes

Board games

Childrens books

Craft stuff (Kids & me)

Junk drawers

Coats?

Let's go for a walk

 

Going for a walk

 

This Friday I am going for a walk. I work three days a week and have two days off, and usually one of of those days I visit with a friend. On the other day I usually do the shopping and catch up on housework. So, in a non-complaining way, I don't really have any days 'off'. I'm always promising myself a walk, or something, something of my own, so I wrote it down in my filofax last week. This Friday I am going to drive to Oxwich, I am going to take my beautiful, unused watercolour tin which was a gift from my Mum last year, and a flask of tea and a jumper, and I am going to walk for miles, and maybe I will swim in the sea, and maybe I will make a fire, and maybe I will just find somewhere to lie down and close my eyes.

Over the half term we had my Mum and then my Mother in law visiting. She's not a happy woman and it's been a bruising week. I also had a sinister lump which I've been waiting to have checked out today (benign) and my father in law has just been diagnosed with brain cancer. I think more than these being signs that I should live in the moment and be grateful for my health and my life and my family, I am being screamed at. Today I saw three jaybirds on the way to the hospital - I think they were cheering for me, Jay Jay Jay!

I am eating organic food. I am not drinking coffee. I am not smoking. I am (nearly) not drinking alcohol. I am (nearly) not eating any sugar. I am going to stretch and run and walk and laugh and start being bloody happy because I have wasted too much time already. 

As an aside, I finally bought myself a pair of wetsuit gloves and socks. I swim in my swimsuit, but the joints in my hands and feet have been getting really painful. These make such a difference - I managed half an hour in the sea on Sunday and though my hands and feet were numb by the time I came out, they weren't painful.