maze

We have been away to Cornwall for a week with my family. Doing all sorts of this and that. Not seeing quite enough of each other really. 

They think these carvings could be a couple of thousand years old. 

Its a bit of a struggle getting older anyway, and I think with having children in my twenties, the last time I really thought about myself i was young, and then I blinked, and time passed, and now I'm not quite as young. I have thought a lot lately about my own childhood. I pendulum between being unconditionally forgiving and humbled by my parents' efforts and experiences, and the awful time that they had of it, and then crashingly bleak and regretful at the sadness and insecurity we lived with as children. It wasn't the worst time but it wasn't the best. I doubt there's many who couldn't say that.

I am going to Brighton this Friday. My first solo trip to anywhere more than 5 miles away. I married in my early twenties and independence is a foreign country to me.

I am being tested again for coeliac. My health continues mediocre. I've spent a decade feeling 'a bit ill' now, what a silly waste of time. 

adapt

One of the most important things you can ever learn to do is to grow where your are planted. Work with what you have. Don't grumble and dig your heels in when things don't turn out the way you hope or expect. If you have the power to change things, then by all means do. If you do not, then flourish in your situation. 

move on

I think the source of this awful ennui is that we have now been away from Cwmgors long enough that i have forgotten all of the bad feelings that made us leave in the first place, so I am able to just pine over the garden, the peace and quiet, and the hope that I cultivated there. I don't feel it anymore, so I need to remind myself of the blackest despair I felt towards the end of our time there. Of the constant striving and working and trying, for years, without reward. We were so lucky for our time there, so blessed to have that space to have the girls as babies and toddlers. And that's all. I wish I could get this change into my heart and reach a point of peace, because my head knows that we are getting on pretty well now that we are back in Swansea. 

Right now I am sat in our garden at 20 past 9 in the evening. I can hear the trees in my garden rustling, and beyond that cars, alarms, people laughing, and the sea. I do not feel alone any more. I have a job, which although I still feel odd about, has given me confidence and independence. I have learned to crochet anything, I have swum in the sea the year round, I have gardened, I have made friends, I have walked along the beach, I have sailed, I have decorated, I have done fun stuff with my family. I need to pull it together and admit that I am having a nice life.