Fifth Thursday in May

 The month that wouldn't end. 

Struggling to find a book that I want to read. 

This month I have read or started reading (as far as I can remember):

- Keep You Close by Lucie Whitehouse. I love this book, and all of her books before she started her crime series which I'm not that interested in, and I have read this one a few times. She puts a lot into describing place which I enjoy. 

- The Cloisters by Katy Hays. Library book, I enjoyed this. The plot had a bunch of holes and dropped off a bit in the last third, but it was set in a museum and gardens, and I love all that. Would look forward to what she comes out with next. 

- Bellefleur by Joyce Carol Oates. Lent to me by a friend, put down after a few pages. Too many characters and tiny writing, I haven't the patience anymore. 

- Fyneshade by Kate Griffin. Lent to me by a friend, put down a little after half way. The main character whose eyes the story is told through is a horrible, horrible person, and her relationship with the little girl in the story is too uncomfortable to get any enjoyment out of the plot. A Shame because I was enjoying the setting, her writing style and the Secret Garden, mystery vibes. 

- The Glass House by Eve Chase. Library book. Put down after a few chapters because the flipping between different characters and times was too tedious. 

- The Bird Cage by Eve Chase. Library book. persevered with this one because I have put down the last three books and thought I should try and finish something, but it was nothing special, and it did the same thing where each chapter is told through the eyes of a different character, and some are flash backs too. It's just tiring. I liked the setting though. 

Fourth Tuesday in May

Nearly at the end of the month and getting pretty squeaky for the first time in ages. Not really a surprise after having to buy an outboard motor and a car in the same month. So we're pretty much starting from scratch with our savings next month. That's fine. It's uncomfortable not having a back up but if we are frugal it won't be too long before we have a little safety net again. The girls birthdays are coming up in a couple of months which is unfortunate. but we'll make it work. I never planned to buy them hundreds of presents anyway, and I think they both want low-key parties, which I can give time to rather than money to make special. 

Half-term this week. The weather is wet today so I'm going to give some time to getting the house back in order this morning, and then I imagine we will go for a trudge in the rain. 

Yesterday for supper I made the vegan cheese sauce from potatoes, carrots & cashews. I've done it a few times & am surprised every time how good it is & the kids love it. I really want to go more to that way of cooking, using good, unprocessed foods to make something tasty. 

Yesterday we went to a world food shop that we've never been into before. There are a lot of different world food shops in our neighbourhood, so we tend to just stick to the ones we know, but I've been getting a bit fed up with one of the shops we often use as it just seems to be getting dirtier and more cramped, it's super stressful to shop there. The one we tried yesterday was the absolute opposite of that, clean and quiet and spacious, so I'm looking forward to doing more of our shopping there. Generally I would like to move away more and more from big chain supermarkets. Things like dairy free milk and butter we'll probably still have to get from there but if it's just basics like that, I can limit that to a once a month shop and hopefully do my weekly at our local independent shops. They sell all of the good healthy food I want us to be eating like beans, tahini, spices and fresh veg, and so much less of the rubbish. 

This morning I made potato hashbrowns for the girls. I snuck a couple of eggs in, as my eldest isn't a big fan but will eat them cooked into things, and I think they're probably good for the girls. They didn't enjoy as much as plain potato hashbrowns, although neither of them said anything, and honestly I didn't either, so I won't make them again. 

Will suggested yesterday that I go through my old blog posts and publish it as a book on amazon. I can't see myself doing it, I'm not a hustler. 

Time to make the bed and sort the laundry now, tooodleoo.

Fourth Thursday in May

 I have actually managed to be somewhat effective in the house this morning and have at least tidied the front and back room, done half the washing up, and cleaned the sink. It's minor but an improvement. 

Half term next week and I'm so looking forward to it. I'm really hopeful for warm weather, although I don't think we are due any. Nonetheless I know we can have some lovely days, and dull weather means the beaches will be quieter. After having to buy the car as well as a but of sloppiness with the budget, there's not a lot, well, any, money, so I think a week of nature walks and parks and picnics and beaches is in order. Which is what we would have done anyway. 

I'm going to try and do the second load of washing up and get the floors mopped in the next half an hour, then have a little pause to visit H on his lunch break - that will get me out for a walk as well as some company. Hop to it. 

Fourth Wednesday in May

 Not as productive a day today as  I had hoped, however I ticked a few things off of my list so I can't call it a waste, and I have tomorrow as well to catch up on all of my jobs before the holidays. 

Today I tried to make time for things that I enjoy, and this meant doing a bit of baking and going for a short walk along the beach and through the park. My house is still messy but I felt quite happy for a fair bit of the day. 

I'm helping out after school again today with an event, then taking my youngest to ballet. H is out this evening with friends so I might have a tidy then and put on a film. 

My energy is still on the floor, but I'm not having it. 

Third Tuesday in May

 Coming to the end of May now, another month gone by. I'm spending too much time on the computer doing nothing. Today I am starting a volunteering role. I'll be doing it one full day a week, so about 5.5 hours to allow for school times. When I first thought about it I thought maybe that will be too big a commitment. Then I thought I probably spend 5.5 hours a week on the computer doing nothing, and imagine how my life might change if I didn't. Perhaps my house would be clean, perhaps I would have time and energy to be creative, perhaps I wouldn't be so grumpy and distracted. We are given all of these opportunities again and again to see where things are falling down and to make them better. 

Yesterday I went and saw a car and have decided to buy it. It seems like a good little car, and the boredom of looking at cars on the internet is too much for me, I'm glad to not have to do that anymore. Picking it up on Saturday. 

Although this is a rather contrived idea, as well as costing money and effort, I would like to do an experiment. Invest in a few items of very plain clothing. A little capsule wardrobe of things that are comfy, practical, and all can be worn together, and pack away my existing wardrobe somewhere. I'd like to give it a few months of just wearing my 15 or so plain items and see if I feel any less like myself. Because I think that for my whole life I have used clothes and appearance as a crutch and have relied on them to demonstrate who I am, or who I want people to think I am, rather than my own character. Perhaps it doesn't need to be an experiment, perhaps this is where I have come to in my life. I've already arrived here. The only problem is I have spent so long wearing silly clothes that I feel self-conscious in jeans and a t-shirt. 

Third Monday in May

 The car hunt continues. It's the most boring thing to have to spend all of your money on. I'm thinking of driving an hour away today to look at a car. The distance feels like a huge obstacle as I don't especially like driving, but I need to bite the bullet - if the car is still available. 

Yesterday we went for our first sail - out on the water for a couple of hours in all, sails up for an hour, not a lot of wind, though we travelled for a while, and had a nice time drifting. Good to have a successful trip after quite a few knocks to our confidence. Looking forward to getting more comfortable on the boat again - and remembering how to sail, which I have completely lost the feel for. 

House is a state so what I had planned for today was tidying up. We'll see if there's time for that, and driving East both. For now, it's time to get on with Monday. 

Third Thursday in May

 I'm tired of being uncomfortable. I wonder now if I've ever in my life expected to be comfortable. When I was fit and strong when the girls were little I felt comfortable in some ways, but still wore uncomfortable clothes a great deal of the time. Now I'm overweight and still wear largely uncomfortable clothes. 

It seems when I declare a no-spend week/month/period that immediately curses my intentions and I whip out the debit card. This time has been no different - I got home from a morning errand and thought I'm sick of having several pairs of not quite comfortable shoes, and went out to mountain warehouse and bought one pair of very generic grey trainers. And I rather think that I would like all of my clothes to be generic and grey to be honest. After years, a lifetime, of essentially being a show-off, I have gained a tiny bit of wisdom and realised that it really doesn't matter if people think you look interesting/attractive/artsy/slim/insert adjective here. It matters that you are warm, clean and comfortable. 

If I had the money, which I don't at the moment, I think I would happily start again. Get rid of all of my clothes, save the basics like leggings and t-shirts, and buy one plain dress, one plain jumper and one plain cardigan, maybe even -horror- one pair of jeans, and be done with it. I would very much like to stop going around advertising things. Either other companies with their logos, or advertising myself - look at me, I've been to art school, I can sew, I can knit, aren't I fantastic? Ugh.

Third Wednesday in May

 Hmm. Car is at the end of its life. not completely unexpected but inconvenient, and a bit sad. We don't have the money to buy another car. We don't particularly want a car, except there are occasionally things that we really like to do that we cannot do without a car, so I guess we need to get another car. That we neither want nor can afford. Not often we meet a pickle like this one. Although frankly the last year has felt like a general crumbling of everything I take for granted so maybe it's to be expected. 

Following on from this, the inevitable - time to be thrifty. We're already being pretty thrifty but we're going to have to notch it up. No spend. Really frugal with the food budget. No booze. Etc. etc. We have the car for another few weeks before the MOT, which we won't be getting, because it will fail. I will carry on my mission of decluttering while I still have a car to use. Then if we can't get a really cheap, working car before then, we shall walk. 

Second Wednesday in May

No decluttering today, I went to Mass and then had a swim in the sea, and by the time I was done with that there wasn't much time left before school pick up. And I suppose as I had a little time to breathe perhaps things have caught up with me, and I have felt an odd, home-sick type of emptiness rattling around. Is it the lack of stuff, has it made some space? What should this space be filled with? I feel that I have been full up for so long I don't know how not to be. 

First Tuesday in May

And it's finally a nice sunny day! Not that I expect to make the most of it now - I am relying on the faith that there will be more nice sunny days here - but I will open a few windows and get some laundry on the line for sure. 

Tuesday today although it feels like a Monday after the bank holiday. We had a really wonderful full weekend, doing lots of lovely local things. I can never say it enough how lucky we feel to live here and how many nice things there are on our doorstep without ever having to get in a car. 

Today is a day for getting straight again. Not only after the weekend, but as a mid-declutter reset. I have another bootful to take to the charity shop - unbelievable - and would like to get the downstairs room straight and get on top of the laundry as it's such a good day for drying. 

Yesterday I put away the toaster and kettle in the shed. We have a stovetop kettle that works fine on induction, and a grill built into the stove, so we already have a machine that makes toast and hot water, why have two? Stupid.

On that note, I find I have less to say than I thought. I did start on a ramble about trying to be real amidst all this media and technology and junk, but actually the realest thing any of us can do is just live, not contemplate and weigh up and ruminate. 

First Monday in May

 

Things that I didn't know I was hoarding: 

- Storage boxes. This one may not count as I wouldn't have so many storage boxes if I hadn't had so much to store, but I have easily emptied a dozen if not more large plastic storage boxes, which had been dotted, largely unseen and ignored, around the house. I wonder what compelled me to buy them? How I didn't notice that I kept buying more? And how my conscience justified buying plastic box after plastic box? Odd. Must have seemed important at the time. 

- Bags. I didn't think I had a lot of bags, but it turned out I did. I've given a whole bunch away, but I still have at least six, so I'm not done. 

- Jewellery. Jewellery is small so it doesn't take up much space, but I really had, and have a lot. I cut out strips of cardboard to put the earrings on for donation, and originally cut a piece of card into 24 pieces, thinking I'd overdone it a bit. In the end I had to do the same again with another piece of card, and I still have a jewellery box full, so again, not done. 

- Jumpers. I think I knew I had too many jumpers really, but as they were almost all homemade I overlooked it. I don't know how many I have now, too many still. I think three is probably the right amount, and I have more than that. but the bulk of them, homemade jumpers included, have been donated. 

- Craft supplies. Again, maybe I knew this, but as they were all scattered about the house, and as I didn't have an excessive amount of any one things, it just didn't feel like that big a deal. In the event, once I got going on the craft supplies I found I didn't really want any, and it turned out to be boxes and boxes of things to put on freecycle.

- Yarn. Craft subheading here; it turned out I had 3 full bin bags of yarn. Bits and bobs leftover from projects. I could never have gotten through it all. 

- Books. For too long I've been in the 'it doesn't count as clutter if it's books club'. It does, it is. I would like very much to rely on the library rather than hoard books like a dragon. 

- Ill fitting swimsuits and underwear. They are expensive so I feel like I can't get rid of them, even if I won't ever wear them. No more. 

- Blankets. I'm yet to get rid of a blanket, but I acknowledge that there is an issue here. 

- CDs & DVDs. There are a handful I use still, and I definitely haven't gone over to digital streaming. I just watch and listen to less these days, but because I have already pared CDs and DVDs down by about 75%, it's only my very favourites that are left and are hard to part with, even if they're barely used. 

- Baking stuff. I do enjoy baking but I have collected pans for every occasion over the years, and decluttered a few every now and then, but my cupboard is a little full and inconvenient, and some baking pans are used once a year, if that. 

- Clothes. Obviously, who doesn't? I don't have a huge wardrobe but I do have unworn items that I feel some guilt or sentimentality about.

-  Old artwork.I have been smashing through this, but there are definitely still a couple of boxes to go through and they might be tougher. I've talked about this before, how up to this point I have held onto an idea of myself as an 'artist'. Even if I do return to making artwork, which I may well do, having a stack of old drawings and prints behind me won't make me better. I think because it represents so much time and work, as well as hope and ambition, I worry that if I destroy the evidence it may as well have never happened. But it's in the past. 

- Makeup. I go through the odd phase where I think I am going to wear make up so I buy some, but it has been months now since I have even worn mascara, and the longer I don't went makeup for, the more sure I feel that my face is alright without it.

- 

First Thursday in May

 Things that need to go:

- Anything that makes you feel guilty, this might be things that you spent a lot of money on, gifts, projects you were going to get around to but didn't, impulse buys

- Anything where you're not sure whether to keep it or not

- Anything that has been unused for a good period of time, say, a year

- Anything where you have another version of the item that you prefer and use more

- Anything that makes you feel sad, annoyed, any other negative emotion

- Anything that belongs to a past or future version of you

- Anything broken that you are unable or unwilling to repair either now or in the very near future, think days

-

Things that need to stay: 

- Well used practical items that improve your life

Bit of a full day today our and about, I have a PTA meeting in the morning, then meeting a friend for coffee at lunch, going to a friends house tonight to drink wine. All nice things to do, but at the moment I feel as though I'm pupating and would be better left undisturbed. 

First Wednesday in May

 Great swim this morning, the sea was clear and green, the sky was (partly) blue, I went under water a lot and loved it. 

Food shop today. We are eating a lot of Japanese type food at the moment. We always used to, probably until Hazel came along, then convenience and craving for sweets and pasta took over. But the girls love it, so we have been doing that. So now I'm not sure what the best way to do my shopping is as we have a number of very good Asian supermarkets in our neighbourhood. It's too expensive to buy everything from there, so I need to plan out my shop a bit better. 

Another bootful for donation as well, I'll drop that off before I do my shopping. I don't know if I'll have time to do more clearing out today, but I have tomorrow and Friday this week as well. It's been a good week. 

I've seen a couple of times, in articles about decluttering (why am I cluttering up my head with online reading? I'll have to deal with that once I've sorted the house) that you should try and imagine your home and your life, once all of the stuff is gone, and how you would like that to look and feel. 

I like to imaging that I will have more time. I would like more time to play with the girls, to cook nice food, to exercise, to pray, to journal, read novels, go for walks, plan fun stuff. 

I would like to have more room in my head and be present in the moment so that when my children speak to me, I really listen, so I don't forget everything, and so hat I can regain a bit of interest and joy in every day living. 

I would like my house just to be clean and comfortable, that's all. I don't care much about stylish, there isn't a certain aesthetic, although I already have a lot of it decorated in pale pinks and I think it would be nice to enjoy that soothing colour without visual clutter. 

I would like to have less choice. I picture a life where I am not always having to choose things.