Knitty gritty

 Last night I finally finished the two jumpers for the girls. I usually knit them both at the same time when I am making the girls garments, to make it fair so they are ready at the same time, and honestly I hate it, and need to remind myself that I hate it next time. Knitting four sleeves one after another is one of the most tedious things I have ever done.

But anyway, they are finished, and although a bit roomy, the girls will grow, and the jumpers are lovely and warm.

My knitting technique has really improved and I am a lot more confident following patterns now.

I knitted ivy a pair of mittens from super fluffy yarn last week and was surprised to find that it was easy.

I have also learned that actually I don't particularly like knitting. Little projects are fine. A jumper is too dull for words and takes too long, so I think it's back to crochet for a while for me now. 

I start work on Tuesday. I am nervous and conflicted. But apparently we live in a time now where being a full stay at home parent isn't really possible, no matter how bloody frugal you are. So onwards and upwards. 

 I have a crisis bubbling up inside of me

Paring back

 I'm not sure what I want. 

This morning, idly looking at a jar of hawthorne jam made in 2017 on our kitchen counter, I began thinking about that first year that we lived in Cwmgors. Our first home that we bought together. Ivy was just a baby, so the only home that she would ever know. Where our next child would be born. Where we would begin our new lives. We were so full of hope and spirit then. I was 26 and this was just the beginning. And for the next little while, despite some hurdles and worries, we were happy. We had big plans for the house and garden and did lots of them; perfected our little bubble. I went out for walks in the hills and admired all of the moss and lichen and fell more and more in love with this damp country.

And I think about what it was that we wanted back then, and how we made our decisions. And it feels now that our life has become so ruled by worries, and by stuff, and by being 'overwhelmed'. Yet when we lived in our damp house in the country with babies and a to do list as long as the garden, I never would have called myself overwhelmed. Busy, yes, but never overwhelmed. 

And what I really want now, in our not so new house, is to get that feeling back. Excitement and possibility, and freedom really. It only takes the littles thing now to make me feel trapped, and I don't know why. Was it the heartbreak from the move? The lockdowns? Lost friends, lost confidence? I don't know. And I don't know how to get that feeling of simplicity and freedom back, but I think the first and most obvious way, is stuff. We are a family of four and our children are getting bigger all of the time, so we have stuff. An amount of stuff is fine as long as it's useful and not broken. So that's what I want to do, is go through the house, find the energy to separate what is useful from what is not, what gives us freedom and what traps us. It is something I have been threatening to do since Hazel started reception, and I mustn't put it off anymore. I have become so tired. I can't get out of bed in the morning. I can't get anything done. I am lethargic. I let worry rule my life.

The timing is apt, if not essential, as I have news. It looks like I will be taking on some paid work. This isn't something I had ever planned to do, and have only considered it in a half hearted sort of way in recent months with all of the cost of living stuff. But I have been offered a job, it is something I think I can do, and it will be a great help in difficult times. It will be an adjustment and I am going to have to make a great effort to ensure it doesn't interfere with our family life, and that I am still able to be a housewife as well. So you see a great deal need to change and simplify. 

I am also excited because we are going to try a new church this week. We haven't been to church yet since moving, and it is something Will especially hasn't been sure about. But I know that it is the right thing to do, and I feel called to go. I feel that I can't not go anymore. 

I am in a difficult place at the moment really. I wish more than anything that there was some kind of community that I could lean on. But I also feel that myself, and those who want it, are building it all the time. My friend has recently started up a women's group, which I had joined. We met last week and swam in the freezing sea, and I didn't feel alone. 

It must be time for me to go now. Get out some bin bags and sort my life out. Make things easier. This worship of stuff, of leisure. It's so harmful. 

Some thoughts on stuff

 I had a thought last night about social media, which although not particularly profound or original, felt quite shocking to me.

If you disregard all of the things that social media, let's say facebook, is 'useful' for - buying and selling second hand things, getting in touch with companies and tradespeople, finding out about local goings on, keeping in contact with friends and neighbours etc etc. This is all stuff that existed and which we were able to do before social media. So if we disregard all of that, what it exists for, what keeps it going, are these two things:

1. Provides a platform on which to perform, create 'content', to be watched

2. To watch

Both of these things are unnatural and unhealthy. They will lead to comparing your life, your real life, to a choreographed product, and eventually massive mental distress. If you are the watcher then not only to do you have the stress of comparing your own unglamorous life to others, but there is also the additional layer of living vicariously though what other people are doing, rather than putting energy and love into your own life. 

I could go on and on,  but anybody who has ever experienced social media will already recognise all of this, and how, at best, exhausting it is. So I have come off of social media,  not for the first time, but hopefully the last. I am happy to keep this blog as I enjoy writing it, I enjoy reading thoughtful, put together posts from other people, but I can no longer stand super fast paced platforms like instagram where you are bombarded with 30 thoughts a minute, snapshots of peoples' perfect lives and perfect achievements. 

I am lucky to have such a beautiful life, beautiful home, beautiful family, None of these things are perfect. I have peeling wallpaper and mess and arguments and I am late for things. 

Anyway, that's that. Hopefully a line can be drawn and I have one less thing to feel anxious about. 

I have been knitting a jumper for one of the girls. I'm not sure which one, as Will is also going to knit a jumper with the same wool, and they can have one each. I have been working hard to improve my knitting technique and am really pleased with how this is going. I have nearly finished the front now, so will just have the sleeves and neckline to complete. After that I have a lot of project I have to get to work on for the girls' winter clothes, and for Christmas presents. I've left it all too late really - next year I am starting in January. 

The girls and I have been decorating our window for Halloween. they have loved it, and keep adding to it, and Ivy tells me every time somebody passes it and it makes them smile. She is getting such pleasure out of knowing that it is cheering other people up.

I went shopping yesterday and got a bit overwhelmed by all of the Christmas and Halloween stuff everywhere. It's such a conflict, because my initial reaction when I see a costume or something is to look at it for the girls. Especially this year, I then conclude that we can't afford it. Then I feel fed up that I haven't got the money to buy nice things for the girls. Then I feel resentful that it is 'the norm' to buy all of these costumes and decorations and keep spending spending spending on cheap crap, made by slaves, which is destined for landfill. Then I feel dismayed that neither I, nor anybody I know really has the skills to make costumes etc. The whole thing is pretty deflating. But as always, the answer is to seize power. I can improve my skill at making things. I can go around charity shops and cobble together a few pieces and make alterations. I can talk to the girls about what they actually want to do /wear for halloween. We don't have to feel poor. The girls have had the loveliest time making window decorations from sugar paper we had in the cupboard.

I sold a couple of things in the last couple of weeks - the big cat tower and a pair of doc martens, which between theme came to about £85. I'm sure I could find more to sell, which will have the dual benefit of a little extra  money and less stuff to worry about. The cats instead have a box, which to be honest I think they like better anyway, of course.

I may have mentioned already but we made some hedgerow syrup for winter coughs and sniffles. I have also been making a few batches of jellies and jams. so far we have had all of the fruit foraged or given to us, and all of the jars either saved, found or given to us by people, so the only thing we have had to buy is sugar, which thankfully is still cheap.

Time for me to go now anyway. I've been in a bit of a funk and just don't seem to be getting anywhere, but we are seeing family at the weekend and I'm tied up all day tomorrow, so today must be a day of laundry, cleaning and baking. 

I hope everyone is feeling better than I am. I hope that these hard times will bring about a cultural change where we are all able to make ourselves useful to be other, rather than living such insular mixed up lives. Perhaps this is the start of a new era.

Changing season

 

Today I am a wild creature, and tomorrow I will be lost again

 I went for a walk this afternoon and came back feeling like I had so much to write. Now that I'm here I find that I don't have so much to say after all. 

I feel and hope that I am finally pulling myself up and out of this dreadful depression. I have been so sad and so dead for years, since all of the lockdown stuff, and the move, and now mum's illness, and every worry in the world. I have lost my ability to live in the moment, enjoy my family and my children and my life. And now I feel as though I have begun to wake up, it is years later, and I can never retrieve all of that lost time. But I finally feel some strength to live properly now. 

I have written off this week socially as I have so much to catch up on with and by myself. As always there is housework and decluttering, something I hope won't always dominate my time so much. This morning I bottle up the red wine we made and cleaned out the winemaking equipment ready for when we do the apple wine, and I have made a huge batch of crab apple and haw jelly, which I am praying sets this time, as last time is failed to. I am wondering now if our electric stove just cannot boil the jelly as vigorously as it needs to, as I have never struggled in the past. I have a bowl of rosehips and crab apples on the counter waiting for me to process and make up another batch of jelly tomorrow. 

I have decided to do my very best to take myself out for a walk every day, or near enough. I need it for my sanity. I find that the only time I can fully unravel my thoughts and process all that has happened is when I am marching it out. Today I walked a couple of miles along the beach and back through the park, and I listening to Patrick Wolf. I saw a sailboat out to sea, jib flapping and mast swaying. The weather is changing now. I so wanted to be out, on or in that water. 

Every day so much happened. Hundreds of little exchanges, little humiliations, little joys. It's overwhelming.

It's been such an adventure these last few years. So many changes, so many traumas. It's a cliche to say it but I have no idea these days who I am or who I am supposed to be. How do you get back to yourself? I wonder if a few walks and a little time in my own company might answer some questions.