At the moment, every other week or so I am having confirmation classes with a small group of people roughly my age, and the Priest. It takes place in the evening, by which point I have very little to contribute to any kind of group discussion, especially a quite intellectual, theological one. It's been getting me down a bit as during the day I am bursting with things to say but by the evening all I want to do is lie down somewhere soft and close my eyes.
I think this is largely in part down to the evening not being my most discussion-y time of day, but I can't help but despair a little at how difficult any kind of thought or discussion is these days, and I have to put that at least partly down to the sea of technology we find ourselves in. Everything is done for us. Everything is instant. You don't have to remember facts, you just look them up. You don't have to remember times or dates, just send a text and check. You don't even have to show up if you don't feel like it, just let people know at the last minute you won't be there. When I was younger before mobile phones, if you said you were going to be somewhere, you made sure you were there. And if someone didn't show up, well that was a pretty big snub and you probably wouldn't arrange to meet with them again any time soon. I don't know what I can do to fix my brain apart from try to use computers and the internet less, but even then it feels like our lives are so enmeshed in this technological way of living, even if I personally abstain, it's all around me anyway. There are studies beginning to emerge now which suggest a clear link between device usage and early onset dementia. Who is surprised?
H. forwarded me on an email from Darren Allen lately. I don't subscribe to his website so I'm not sure what he's all about, but H. sent this onto me thinking, rightly so, that this would ring true enough to give me a laugh:
My New Phone
I had a dumb phone, no apps, no internet, but it wasn’t dumb enough; small and light, aesthetically pleasing, with a good battery and an easy and seamless message-writing system. Far too good! So now I have one that is a lot more inconvenient. My new dumbphone is three times the size and weight, so I cannot comfortably carry it in my pocket and must either put it in a bag when I am out and about or, more often, just leave it at home. The battery is far worse, only lasting half a day, so I keep it turned off, switching it on three times a day to see if there are any missed calls or texts. It’s difficult to send texts on my new phone because the software has been designed by, I think, an idiot, so I don’t want to do it. Everyone knows I will only respond to really important texts. And it’s ugly. It reminds me that it is a thing of evil. I am repulsed by it.
Yes, much better! Now to make my fridge, oven, washing machine, laptop and central heating system uglier and more inconvenient.
He was right, it does ring true, and did give me a giggle. And funnily I have had a confusing phone experience this week, which is still yet to be resolved. Until this week I've had a bit of an odd, convoluted set up with my phone. I have a dumphone, an old one, that only texts and calls. It's very inconvenient, so much so that, like Darren Allen, I rarely use it. The sound is so bad that I hate talking on the phone, and everyone, well, my mother, hates talking to me, and texting is so difficult that I basically just ignore anyone that texts me. To make up for this, I also have an old broken smartphone that lives in a drawer, and does nothing except run Whatsapp on my laptop, which is the main thing I use for sending messages. This is all kind of okay, except it means that I check my laptop for messages several times a day, and every now and then get drawn into gossiping about either knitting, swimming or cats in one of my two Whatsapp groups. Probably not the worst thing in the world, but nobody ever comes away from a computer screen feeling refreshed. It also means that I am in fairly constant contact with a lot of my friends, so when we say, meet for a coffee, there isn't a lot of news to tell.
So fortuitously (possibly) a friend offered me a mobile phone that she had sat in a drawer. I think it's what's called a feature phone, and it apparently does various things, social media and camera and such, but does it all very badly. That's fine, and I won't be using that anyway. What it also does it whatsapp, so now whatsapp is off of the drawer-phone and computer, and is just, in very basic form, on this mobile phone. I can also make phone calls in which both parties can hear each other, and with some patience I am able to send a text - although given that I am quite out of the habit now anyway that's not really an issue.
The only thing is that this phone is so basic that I keep getting messages saying this or that isn't supported. It doesn't look like I can really send or receive pictures, and I am fairly certain that I can no longer make a video call to my Mum. Now here is the conflict: I don't want any of these things, in fact in an ideal world I wouldn't have a phone at all. I could probably tolerate a fax machine. However, now there is guilt. There is guilt and sadness that I can't do a video call and see my Mum's face in this awful time of her illness. There is a feeling of missing out that I can't contribute to the knitting and swimming groups I started and in which I have made good friends. And that is part of what I mean when I say we are so enmeshed. I have left, and yet I am being clawed back constantly, and there is a moral dilemma now as to whether I am neglecting my relationships and my friends in need. And I can't think of the answer.
I think currently my only plan is to stick with it and keep trying to keep my treasure in things that are really real, and see if any relief comes with that eventually. Yesterday in church the ladies behind us, who are probably somewhere in age between my parents and my grandparents, were talking about how they don't get on with mobile phones - not even smartphones, just mobile phones - and how they don't like to use them. It was rather a relief to hear, as sometimes these things feel so prevalent, so widespread, it seems there might be no way back.
Little else to say today. The weather was vile this morning, although is actually fine now, so I cancelled swimming and instead have the day to put on some music and get some real tidying done.
I called the local cat charity yesterday about adopting a couple of their cats, but was refused because the cats would have access, via a cat flap in our back gate, to the wider world. There's nothing to rage against there, that is the way they do things, but it must be difficult for them to rehome any cats given that we live in a large and very built up city. Unless you lie when you are applying, which I couldn't do. It's a funny old world.
