Work

 

For quite a long time before I quit my last job I put this song on every single day. I think maybe it was part of what prompted me to do the deed and hand in my notice, among the obvious real-life reasons why it wasn't working out. 

I would sit at my desk (in my house) every morning and put it on straight away while I got going, and I would feel a sort of hysteria bubbling up inside me. It seemed so ridiculous and impossible that I had fallen so far from living a beautiful outdoor life to sitting at a desk in my back room organising abstract documents that I could never understand without a degree in engineering. That's not to say there is no place for office work, and there have been times in my life when I have enjoyed that sort of work, and also where the clear division between 'work' and 'life' is helpful. My husband does office work, and perhaps that isn't how he saw his future when he was a young man, but he is good at it, it encourages him to think and be creative, and it provides us with all that we have. 

But for whatever reason, when I went back to work a couple of years ago it wasn't the thing, so I quit. A few times before I stopped working, on my days off I drove to Oxwich, a beach about half an hour from here, and walked for miles. Bought a thermos, and just walked. It was winter still I remember and cold. I think I was trying to recreate an adventure I had when I was about 20, when I was at university, myself and a couple of friends who were women older than me drove to Gower from Devon and wild camped for a couple of days, and walked, and swam, and cooked over a fire. It's one of my happiest memories and I would give anything to be able to do that now. 

Although I have a freedom in my life that so many people could only dream of - I do recognise that I am lucky not to work, although the cost of that is complete financial instability and failing to prepare for the future which is a price some people wouldn't consider worth it - the freedom that I remember from that time is long locked in the past. I think I got it back when we lived in the countryside, and I was blissfully happy in so many ways, but the cost of that was social isolation which over time became too much to bear. I think we summer draws to an end and the days slow down (I hope) what I would like to do is spend more time in nature. Not in the park, or at the allotment, but really out and about. I think I'll wither away otherwise. 

Now I'm off to the gardens, I haven't volunteered over the summer and have failed to turn up other times as well so I'm turning over a new leaf. I am lucky to have this opportunity to work in such a beautiful place and to be getting such good experience.