Today I am a wild creature, and tomorrow I will be lost again

 I went for a walk this afternoon and came back feeling like I had so much to write. Now that I'm here I find that I don't have so much to say after all. 

I feel and hope that I am finally pulling myself up and out of this dreadful depression. I have been so sad and so dead for years, since all of the lockdown stuff, and the move, and now mum's illness, and every worry in the world. I have lost my ability to live in the moment, enjoy my family and my children and my life. And now I feel as though I have begun to wake up, it is years later, and I can never retrieve all of that lost time. But I finally feel some strength to live properly now. 

I have written off this week socially as I have so much to catch up on with and by myself. As always there is housework and decluttering, something I hope won't always dominate my time so much. This morning I bottle up the red wine we made and cleaned out the winemaking equipment ready for when we do the apple wine, and I have made a huge batch of crab apple and haw jelly, which I am praying sets this time, as last time is failed to. I am wondering now if our electric stove just cannot boil the jelly as vigorously as it needs to, as I have never struggled in the past. I have a bowl of rosehips and crab apples on the counter waiting for me to process and make up another batch of jelly tomorrow. 

I have decided to do my very best to take myself out for a walk every day, or near enough. I need it for my sanity. I find that the only time I can fully unravel my thoughts and process all that has happened is when I am marching it out. Today I walked a couple of miles along the beach and back through the park, and I listening to Patrick Wolf. I saw a sailboat out to sea, jib flapping and mast swaying. The weather is changing now. I so wanted to be out, on or in that water. 

Every day so much happened. Hundreds of little exchanges, little humiliations, little joys. It's overwhelming.

It's been such an adventure these last few years. So many changes, so many traumas. It's a cliche to say it but I have no idea these days who I am or who I am supposed to be. How do you get back to yourself? I wonder if a few walks and a little time in my own company might answer some questions.