Drifty

 I think there's that problem of your imagined self, or the self that you would most like to be, and whether than aligns with what you are actually doing or not. 

Since I was a teenager I always just wanted to be a housewife and make things, and look after my home and husband and children, and then for a few years that was my whole identity and it was in such a rich and fulfilling way. Because of the large garden and our desire to be as self-sufficient as possible, I devoted so much time to learning and practicing useful skills, so I really was a full-time housewife. I didn't do anything else, even for a minute of the day. 

Then we moved and that changed the dynamic a lot, because I wasn't really needed as a housewife in that way anymore. And that not being needed, that feeling of pointlessness combined with boredom and lack of money I think made me swing the other way and think, well if I'm not working at home anymore I'll have to find a 'proper job', which I did. Which has been a bit odd as it's always been something I absolutely swore off, even when we've been really financially hard up, it's not something I ever considered. And now I give lots of my time to this very abstract work just for money. And a bit naively probably I thought that it would make me feel less pointless. But all it's done is knock my perception of myself out of alignment with my actions.  

Without wanting to sound too affected, I think the problem is that that former version of myself, or the way I saw myself, felt so much more real and genuine than the life I am living now. But I can't put my finger on exactly what it is that feels so unreal now. I suppose it's that growing vegetables and digging and sewing and making jam are all very tangible. Working in document control to earn money is all very abstract. I was born to be a peasant. Of course I could work harder and get that part of my life back in lots of ways, I think as always, the only think that I'm lacking is oomph.